Tester #1: Don’t mess with me like that. I’m cracked out on Vitamin C.
Tester #2: You know, too much Vitamin C makes you itch. Itch like crazy. Itchy scratchy.
Tester #1: Who told you that?
Tester #2: My grandma.
Tester #1: Didn’t your grandma kill chickens?
Tester #2: That’s beside the point.
1555 Wilson Boulevard
Arlington, Virginia
Manager to employee: Yeah, just put it right in there… It's okay, I got tested this morning! (15 minutes later) Oh, it's infectious. I have to put cream on it.
Ybor City, Florida
Director: There's an anti-harassment meeting tomorrow with the VP, so please no herpes jokes.
Sales rep: Okay.
Director: And no calling Kevin a pussy.
Sales rep: That was you!
Director: Yeah, but you were thinking it.
Charlotte, North Carolina
Boss to underling: We have Kleenex?! Why? There's perfectly good toilet paper in the bathroom!
Chicago, Illinois
Coworker #1: What is that, you heart monitor or something?
Coworker #2: No, it's Window's Media Player.
Media, Pennsylvania
Cube dweller #1: Man, my daughter got the worst ear infection last night and wouldn't stop screaming.
Cube dweller #2: Wow, that's horrible, what did you do?
Cube dweller #1: My wife wanted me to take her to the emergency room but I said, “are you crazy? I just smoked three bowls and am buzzing hard!”
Cube dweller #3: Someone please make him stop.
West Palm Beach, Florida
20-something office girl: Remember, that e-mail said that you're supposed to swab your nose or use a neti pot, and gargle with salt water or Listerine to prevent the swine flu.
30-something office dude: Is that what you do?
20-something office girl: I swab my nose and flush my nostrils, and I swish Listerine. But I don't gargle.
30-something office dude: Why not?
20-something office girl: I can't do it. I've never been able to. I just don't know how to gargle, and believe me, I've tried it. As soon as something hits the back of my throat, my instinct is to swallow.
Ann Arbor, Michigan
Blonde: Oh my god, I had the most terrible dream last night!
Distracted-looking friend: Oh, really? What happened?
Blonde: I dreamed that someone told me I could only have one of the plastic surgeries I wanted! I almost cried! (entire elevator stifles laughter) No, really, why are you laughing? It was horrible!
Rome
Italy
Overheard by: struggling to keep a straight face
Receptionist to coworker: My whiney-ass husband was complaining that he slit his hand open.
Portsmouth, New Hampshire
Father: Did you wash your hands?
Five-year-old kid returning from bathroom: Ummm… I’m pretty sure I didn’t get poop on them.
Dental office
Tigard, Oregon
Overheard by: Robin
