Patient: Stop raping me!
Nurse #1: Did I just hear that?
Nurse #2: She has been yelling it all day.

Randolph Road
Plainfield, New Jersey

Secretary: I could swear that I read that if you have a death in the family you automatically get two days off.
Nurse: Well, I looked it up in the protocol. You can have days off, but they’re just regular PTO.
Secretary: Right, I know they’re PTO, but I swear I read that they’re automatic if you have a death in the family.
Nurse: No, it’s like any other PTO, you have to have them approved by your supervisor.
Secretary: I swear I read that you get those days off for a family death.
Nurse: Well, I’m sure every supervisor would be happy to quickly approve your PTO if someone dies.
Secretary: Yeah, but I swear I read somewhere that you get two days automatically for that.
Nurse: Please, tell me one more time about how you read that somewhere.

Medical Center Boulevard
Winston-Salem, North Carolina

Nurse to another: Usually, a parent has lots of children, and they touch all their children and wait for them to go away.

Bellevue, Washington

Nurse: How much do you weigh these days?
Patient: A hundred twenty-one pounds.
Nurse: And the scale you are using is accurate?

Doctor’s office

Nurse to paramedic pushing stretcher and IV pole: Would you like me to guide your pole?

Dallas, Texas

Overheard by: Deena

Nurse #1: And I don’t know. I just started having this anxiety attack.
Nurse #2: Well, on the bright side, I just made a Klan hood for my finger.

Royal Oak, Michigan

Receptionist: I have great news!
Nurse: What?
Receptionist: I got accepted into grad school! But I’m scared.
Nurse: Why?
Receptionist: I haven’t been in school in a long time.
Nurse: You’ll be fine — it’s like falling off a duck’s back.

1917 20th Street South
Birmingham, Alabama

Overheard by: Eavesdropping grad student

Serious nurse: …but, I'd be lying if I said bloodlust didn't have a lot to do with it.

Manchester, Tennessee

Overheard by: Mouse

Psychiatric nurse, to rest of treatment team, about patient who almost choked: You know Mark*, he sees a big piece of meat, he just puts the whole thing in his mouth.

Catawba, Virginia

Nurse: She’s been so much better today. Chatty. She still walks around like this [puts chin to chest], but she came up to me and was like, "How are you today?" I said, "Huh? Oh, I’m fine!" Maybe it’s the Celexa.
Psychiatrist: Actually we’re weaning her off the Celexa. We started her on Effexor.
Nurse: Oh, well, maybe that’s it.
Psychiatrist: She’s only been on it one day. That wouldn’t really be long enough.
Nurse: No, that’s not… Celexa… I think I was taking that when I got into a fight at the airport. You know those guys with the M-16s? Well, I told this one bitch I was gonna jump over the counter and take her out.
Girl: That was Celexa?
Nurse, smiling: Yeah.

Oregon State Hospital
Salem, Oregon