Old lady on cell: Well, I went commando once, but the whole day I was just super paranoid. What if it got flies in it or something?

3501 Quail Springs Parkway
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma

Executive #1: You go first.
Executive #2: Why?
Executive #1: I always go first…I don’t know what your problem is.
Executive #2: I don’t have a problem; why can’t you just go up the stairs first?

137 Ocean Avenue
Lakewood, New Jersey

Patient: Stop raping me!
Nurse #1: Did I just hear that?
Nurse #2: She has been yelling it all day.

Randolph Road
Plainfield, New Jersey

Crazy dog lady: Ajax was running around in the shower this morning and chasing the water. It was so cute!
Coworker: He was in the shower with you?
Crazy dog lady: Yes. He needs to get clean. He has a white coat and he gets so dirty.
Coworker: You took a shower with your dog? Were you naked? Ewww…
Crazy dog lady: What? He was dirty!

Fort Worth, Texas

Crackhead: I know you… you are that guy from TV.
Ryan Seacrest: Yeah… it’s me
Crackhead: You’re that guy from Fear Factor.
Ryan Seacrest: No… I’m on that other show, American Idol… You might have heard of it?
Crackhead: Look at me… I ain’t got no TV.

6th Street
Austin, Texas

Crazy IT girl: Do you have a knife? If anybody in here had a knife, it would be you.
Crazy IT guy: Serrated or flat?

Merrimack, New Hampshire

Frustrated employee: I’m gonna build a robot named Microchip, and it’s going to look like a microchip and it’s going to kill people.

1025 Eldorado Boulevard
Broomfield, Colorado

Overheard by: D

50‐year‐old woman cashier to customer: … And then I had to chase them with my pants down, and I hadn’t even gotten the chance to wipe yet!

17111 Haggerty Road
Northville, Michigan

Cubicle dweller: It’s better in my head because I’m picturing the elephants.

New Orleans, Louisiana

Overheard by: Jeremy

Guy: This is about the time where I start feeling… not right. Like there’s something flowing through my body other than blood.

Washington Navy Yard
Washington, DC