Crazies

It’s All About Scheduling, Yo

Counter girl: Did I tell you I almost got locked up last night?
Male customer: Fo’ what?
Counter girl: I took my homegirl’s car and rode over to my baby daddy’s momma house. Po-lice got me going through a light. I was like, “Shit, man, I got weed and a rock in my joint, and my shit’s suspended, yo.”
Male customer: That’s some Cops shit, girl!
Girl: Fo’ reals…But I worked my way out with a warning, got my baby, went home, and smoked that shit.

11th Street & F Street
Washington, DC

Overheard by: suddenly not hungry

Where Peek Freans Come From

Cube monkey: My brain is unlike that of any mortal! It consists of witchcraft, spells, and ideas for pastries that the world has yet to see!

1750 East Golf Road
Schaumburg, Illinois

Overheard by: Emily

Clinton Was a Rhodes Scholar, and He Still Picks up Trash on Friday Nights

Salesman: It’s this whole ‘No Child Left Behind, let’s get all the kids to graduate college’ bullshit. If everybody goes to college, who’s gonna do the work? Huh? Who’s gonna dig the ditches? Who’s gonna pick up the trash? We don’t need that. We need kids to drop out of school and do the work.

Birch Street
Brea, California

Hard to Tell, When There Are No New TV Episodes

Patient: What day is today?
Staff: Today is Thursday.
Patient: Hmmm… Is it last Thursday?
Staff: No, it’s this Thursday.
Patient: Oh.

Psychiatric hospital
Tulsa, Oklahoma

Overheard by: Another staff member

1PM Lunch

Co-worker: I’m like a dead person wrapped in a living person. It’s like a pigs-in-a-blanket, except made out of dead people and living people.

631 King Edward Avenue
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia

I’m a Married Man

Female clerk: Did you eat yet?
Male clerk: Yeah, I’ve been here since 1:30.
Female clerk: Ooh! Then can I lint-brush you?

Convenience Store
Brighton, Massachusetts

9AM Back to Work

Sweaty, middle-aged man in running shorts: Hey,wait! Hey, wait! How old are you two?
Young business woman #1: Why?
Sweaty, middle-aged man in running shorts: I just wanted ask one of you out, but I can’t tell how old you are under your sunglasses.
Young business woman #2: Umm…no. We’re working.
Sweaty, middle-aged man: Oh, never mind.

2825 Eastlake Avenue East
Seattle, Washington

I’ve Never Felt So Free — or So Brittle

Girl on cell: Let me tell you, there is nothing quite like liquid nitrogen to the vagina…

Outside clinic, Boylston Street
Boston, Massachusetts

Overheard by: Keeping My Legs Closed

2PM Behind Schedule

Co-worker: I think from now on, I’m going to speak in the third person about myself, and I’ll call myself “Angry Chinese clam.” Angry Chinese clam is most displeased with your actions.

120 North La Salle
Chicago, Illinois

What Happens When You Think About Things that Don’t Bear Thinking About

IT guy: Oh, good I’m back to the top of your favorite people list.
Sales assistant: What? William* the hot A/C guy got bumped down?
IT guy: William’s gone; he’s off the list.
Sales guy: Isn’t William a gerbil?
Sales assistant: That’s my gerbil! We’re talking about the A/C guy now.
Sales guy: Ask Peter* about gerbil; he likes ’em.
IT guy: Ed breeds the gerbils.
Sales guy: I breed them just for you. Hairless, clawless gerbils.
Peter: Edsgerbils.com!
Sales guy: You don’t want one with claws..
Peter: Go to Edsgerbils.com to get your hairless gerbils.
Sales guy: Don’t forget clawless… you don’t want one with claws.
Office Manager: Stop with the gerbils.
Sales guy, to himself: No… don’t want one with claws….

8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina

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