Crazies

They Keep A Few Wheelchair Seats on Hold in Case Any Celebrity Cripples Show Up

Customer: You mean you don’t have any wheelchair seats left for that matinee?
Assistant manager: No ma’am. We have a lot of senior citizen groups that come to matinees and they tend to fill up our wheelchair seats.
Customer: Well, I would say put me and my husband in two regular seats, but he doesn’t have any legs!
Husband: It’s true, I don’t have any legs!
Assistant manager: Ummm, ok. Let me see what I can do for you.

Shenandoah University Theatre ticket office
Winchester, Virginia

Overheard by: Jennifer Ellerbe

And the Makeup Sex Is to Die For

Guest speaker: Domestic violence is hot.

Berkeley, California

Eva Braun Waxes Rhapsodic

Co-worker: If I killed someone, he would totally lie to the police for me. Either he would be my alibi or he would lie and say he did it so I could be free.

225 North Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: Am I Next

The Klan Has Fallen on Hard Times

Ghetto girl on cell: Whitey snuck into my apartment and set my alarm clock off by 12 hours! I ain’t never snuck into no white person’s house and put poison in they’re food! But Whitey’s oppressin’ me. Whitey snuck into my apartment while I was in the shower and stole my underwear! While I was in the shower!

545 Bus
Outside Seattle, Washington

Our Double Dates Were More Fun Than You Can Imagine

Crazy coworker, nonchalantly: I knew a guy who killed his girlfriend. Stuffed her in the wall…

Government Office
Washington, DC

It’s the Tragedy of the Human Condition

Office grunt: Sometimes you get a hole in your bag and you lose your chicken.

10877 Watson Road
St. Louis, Missouri

Um, Hmmm — Mood Elevators? Second Floor

Sales lady: Hello.
Crazy lady: Don’t you talk to me! You don’t know me! We don’t know each other! You have no right to talk to me!

Rochester, Minnesota

Overheard by: Katie

That, and They Mess Up Your Room While You’re Sleeping

Woman: I wanted to find out the status of the investigation on my stolen bike. It happened three weeks ago, and I haven’t heard back.
Cop: Well, ma’am, we’ve been busy with the orange alert.
Woman: I’m sorry — orange alert?
Cop: Ma’am, we’re in a war.
Woman: A war?!
Cop: The war with Iraq?
Woman: … You mean the fucking Iraqis stole my bike?!

Washington, DC

Yep, PDA’s Are Definitely What’s Going to Precipitate the Second Coming

Older black lady, at a young couple kissing and groping in a line of people waiting to pay their power bills: What the hell is wrong with these peoples? Jesus needs to come down and knock some damn sense into their stupid motherfucking ass.

Nevada Power Company
Las Vegas, Nevada

Overheard by: Annmarie

I Try to Take Revenge at Least Once a Day

Lady: You think wearing the skin of a dead cow is cool or something? You’re promoting murder by wearing that.
Leather jacket guy: I don’t wear this because I like leather. I wear this because I hate cows. My father was gored to death by a bull. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to Burger King.

Blockbuster Video, 14936 North Florida Avenue
Tampa, Florida

Overheard by: Jonathon Flachlinie

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