Customer: Hi, I’m looking for a climbing plant, but I’m not sure what it’s called. It sounds like ‘clem’-something, or ‘clam’-something?
Employee: Right… Ah, ‘chlamydia’?
Customer: Um… No, that’s–
Employee, yelling over the crowd: Hey, Linda*, I have a customer looking for chlamydia. Do we have that?
Linda: That’s a venereal disease — she probably wants ‘clematis.’
Employee: Hey, she left!
Farmstand on Route 2
Lincoln, Massachusetts
Overheard by: petunias for me, thanks
Customer, running: What aisle are your condoms in?
Cashier: Oh, um… aisle seven.
Customer: Thanks! Quick, quick, I’ve got the girl in the cab!
20-something guy behind him: Oooh, picked up a girl in the bar, eh? What’s her name?
Customer: Don’t know — all I know is my wife is in Seattle.
Walgreens, 4th Avenue
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: Other Cashier
Female customer #1: They have lotion in the women’s bathroom that is phenomenal.
Female customer #2: There was a line for the women’s room, so the owner let me use the men’s room when nobody was in it. They didn’t have any lotion in there.
Man: There’s probably a good reason for that.
3520 Erie Avenue
Cincinnati, Ohio
Overheard by: Please tell me you washed your hands
Employee: I can take you right to the landscaping section. Let’s take the elevator here.
Customer: Boy, you really like to pamper these fat-assed people, huh. You know Texas is one of the fattest states in the nation? Don’t you have stairs?
Employee: We have an escalator.
1217 W State Highway 114
Grapevine, Texas
Man, buying lottery ticket in liquor store: If I win this, the old lady can cut back to part time.
725 W. Golf Road
Hoffman Estates, Illinois
Overheard by: I didn’t win either
Customer: Do you have a bottle of coke?
Waitress: No.
Customer: What do you have?
Waitress: Coke.
Corper’s Lodge
Okobo, Akwa Ibom, Nigeria
Receptionist: She’s not here, would you like to leave her a note?
Client: I’ll just send her an email, does she have a blueberry?
Stanford, CA
Customer #1: Does the brownie pie have nuts on it?
Waitress: No.
Customer #2: Why do you want to know if it has nuts on it?
Customer #1: Because I don’t like nuts on my dessert.
Waitress: Do you like nuts on your chin?
Parkland Plaza
Cayce, South Carolina
Overheard by: Trying not to choke
Customer: Wow, you must be in high demand this time of year.
Employee: I guess so.
Customer: Oh, I meant the store. Not you.
Columbia, Maryland
Overheard by: party rental stores are no party
Customer: Does this come in black?
Store clerk: Yes. [walks off]
Department store, Rockville Pike
Rockville, Maryland
Overheard by: Doctor Whom
