Diet & Weight

Co-worker #1: Rumor mill is churning… apparently some analysts have happy hour plans from 6-8 at a bar upstairs from Planet Hollywood… $3 drinks. [John], you should be able to afford that after selling all of your earthly possessions except for suit pants and a few white shirts.
[John]: From selling my car I can buy 6,000 beers. So drink drink drink drink chug chug chug.
Co-worker #2: Or you can just buy 3,000 beers and buy us fancy dinner.
[John]: How about 3,000 beers and 3,000 hamsters? It’s only $3.00 apiece from Pavonia Newport mall in Jersey. We’ll use the hamsters to make fur coats… Might be patchy due to the color variation of the hamsters.
Co-worker #2: How about 3,000 beers and 3,000 hamsters, and we’ll make ourselves a hamster farm in the men’s bathroom. Within 2 weeks, 3,000 hamsters will increase exponentially, and once we’re done selling them all, we’ll have more than enough money to buy real fur coats.
Co-worker #1: We could eat the hamsters, too — a good source of protein, also filling yet not too high on the calorie counter. Within six months, we can look like guys in fitness commercials, and mask our self-loathing with biceps and frosty tips.
[John]: Hamsters make good drinking buddies with their itsy weenie beer mugs and blunt humor. Let’s try not to eat them.

270 Park Avenue
New York, New York

Co-worker #1: My diet is going really well. I have hardly eaten
anything today.
Co-Worker #2: Oh really?
Co-Worker #1: Yeah, I have had only three hot dogs and two hamburgers.

860 Levoy Drive
Salt Lake City, Utah

Co-worker #1: There’s so much free food in this office!
Co-worker #2: At least we’re young and not obese.
Co-worker #1: Seriously…when you turn 45 and you’re working for the State, they should just pay for your gastric bypass surgery.

The Capitol Building
400 South Monroe Street
Tallahassee, Florida

Overheard by: Kara M.

Very tan woman: I’m going to pass out at this charity event. I don’t know where my lunch went.
Annoyed woman: What did you eat?
Very tan woman: A Cadbury’s creme egg and two sugar cookies.

1 New York Plaza
New York, NY

Overheard by: Preetham Mallikaruna

Lauren*: So I went on this diet and I was eating cream of mushroom soup. And I thought, “wow, this is awfully thick. It's like pudding!” Then I realized you're supposed to put water in it.
Boss: Jesus Christ, Lauren*!
Lauren*: I know, right?
Boss: Why did we hire you again?

Fontana, California

Overheard by: Aeirlys

Customer: Ummm… What's in a veggie sandwich?
(short pause)
Employee: Uh, veggies.
(short pause)
Customer: Oh. Okay. I'll have a veggie sandwich.

Subway Sandwich Shop
Los Angeles, California

Overheard by: 'Chelle

Writer: ‘Portly’ sounds cute. Sounds like a nice, bald, fat man in a three-piece suit.
Designer: ‘Portly’ sounds like someone with grease stains on their shirt from dropping a piece of chicken.
Writer: That’s not ‘portly!’ That’s obese!
Designer: What’s the difference?
Writer: Obese is like those Subway ads before Jared lost his weight. When he was all wild-eyed and savage. Clothes all stretched out, nothing laundered, brimming with Big Macs and Crisco sandwhiches.
Designer: They should outlaw Crisco. Just straight out make it a crime.
Writer: Yeah.

16340 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona

Trim female coworker: How was your weekend?
Overweight female coworker: It was okay… Ooh! I thought of you yesterday. I was taking a bath…

Broad Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Nurse: How much do you weigh these days?
Patient: A hundred twenty-one pounds.
Nurse: And the scale you are using is accurate?

Doctor’s office
Connecticut

Dad: Come on, guys, pick out a gift and let’s go…
Son: I know what we’re giving Mommy.
Younger daughter: A big butt! A really big B-U-T-T!

Barnes & Noble
Glendale, Arizona

Overheard by: Blue Girl In A Red State