Diet & Weight

Lauren*: So I went on this diet and I was eating cream of mushroom soup. And I thought, “wow, this is awfully thick. It’s like pudding!” Then I realized you’re supposed to put water in it.
Boss: Jesus Christ, Lauren*!
Lauren*: I know, right?
Boss: Why did we hire you again?

Fontana, California

Overheard by: Aeirlys

Customer: Ummm… What’s in a veggie sandwich?
(short pause)
Employee: Uh, veggies.
(short pause)
Customer: Oh. Okay. I’ll have a veggie sandwich.

Subway Sandwich Shop
Los Angeles, California

Overheard by: ‘Chelle

Writer: ‘Portly’ sounds cute. Sounds like a nice, bald, fat man in a three‐piece suit.
Designer: ‘Portly’ sounds like someone with grease stains on their shirt from dropping a piece of chicken.
Writer: That’s not ‘portly!’ That’s obese!
Designer: What’s the difference?
Writer: Obese is like those Subway ads before Jared lost his weight. When he was all wild‐eyed and savage. Clothes all stretched out, nothing laundered, brimming with Big Macs and Crisco sandwhiches.
Designer: They should outlaw Crisco. Just straight out make it a crime.
Writer: Yeah.

16340 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona

Trim female coworker: How was your weekend?
Overweight female coworker: It was okay… Ooh! I thought of you yesterday. I was taking a bath…

Broad Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Nurse: How much do you weigh these days?
Patient: A hundred twenty‐one pounds.
Nurse: And the scale you are using is accurate?

Doctor’s office

Dad: Come on, guys, pick out a gift and let’s go…
Son: I know what we’re giving Mommy.
Younger daughter: A big butt! A really big B‑U‐T‑T!

Barnes & Noble
Glendale, Arizona

Overheard by: Blue Girl In A Red State

Fat manager: I’m sweating Diet Coke and doughnuts.

Charlottesville, Virginia

Boss, about hot applicant for receptionist post: We can’t hire her.
HR: Why not?
Boss: She’ll get me in trouble.
HR: Just because you are on a diet doesn’t mean you can’t look at the menu…
Boss: Diet? More like a fast.

St. Louis, Missouri

Secretary: Are you gonna have a little bambino?
Slightly overweight patient: Uh, no. Just had a few too many cookies.
Secretary: Are you sure? Maybe I know something you don’t.
Slightly overweight patient: I am unable to conceive.

Rochester, New York

Grunt #1: How much do you think a golf ball weighs?
Grunt #2: Over a pound, easy.

125 Corporate Office Center
Earth City, Missouri

Overheard by: Matt