Boss: Oh, you met Beth* from the London office? How old did she look?
Woman on phone: Oh, well, she looked older than me, so she must in her 50s. Then again, sometimes people look older than me, but they turn out to be only 35.
Boss: Cigarette smokers.
Woman on phone: … And meth addicts.
Sears Tower
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: 22 and never doing meth
Dad’s friend: So, your daughter turns 34 tomorrow?
Dad: Yeah, I sent her a card.
Dad’s friend: What does it say?
Dad: ‘Happy Birthday, Sweetie. You’ve finally grown into your bra size.’
Prudential Plaza
Chicago, Illinois
Coworker: Yeah, I call my husband the ‘Pentecostal Pervert’! He married me when I was 13.
UC Davis Hospital
Davis, California
Meat clerk: So, Mitch*, how old is your daughter?
Mitch: 19. Why, you wanna fuck her? She’s a whore. Joe* already fucked her.
Joe: He doesn’t have a daughter.
Supermarket
Buffalo, New York
Overheard by: Fishmonger
Coed #1: He had told me not to do anything special for his birthday. He said to forget he was having a birthday at all. But then he came over, and I could tell that he was down.
Coed #2: Because it was his birthday, and he was thirty.
Coed #1: Yeah.
Coed #2: And he’s dating an eighteen-year-old.
Coed #1: Shut up. So then we had sex? And it wasn’t, like, the most amazing time, but I faked it. But, like, really over the top? And he was happy the rest of the day!
University & College Avenues
Tempe, Arizona
Overheard by: over 30
Admin #1: How old is his son?
Admin #2: Ten.
Admin #1: And how many kids does he have?
Admin #2: Three. They’re triplets.
Admin #1: And they’re all ten?
Route 1 South
Princeton, New Jersey
Overheard by: Emily Anne
Walking man: Hey, John.
Sitting man: Sphincter says what?
Walking man: What?
Sitting man: Sphincter says what?
Walking man: What are you, five? This is a professional office.
Sitting man: You fell for it.
Russell Senate Office Building
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Dennis Carroll
Admin: Do you know who dropped this off?
Manceptionist: No
Admin: Well, then do you know what they looked like?
Manceptionist: An old white lady with curly hair.
Admin: Are you sure she wasn’t a black man, because Allan* said it was a forty-year-old black guy.
Office manager: Not unless he rolled himself in baby powder before he came in here.
Manceptionist: No. The black guy dropped off a manilla envelope and the old lady dropped off that.
Admin: This is a manilla envelope.
Manceptionist: Oh, then yeah the black guy dropped it off.
Allan: Well the black guy was definitely more attractive.
Office manager: And now we know which way you swing.
3520 Lancaster Avenue
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Administrator: Here’s my theory on drunk driving: People get caught drunk driving because they never learned how to drive drunk when they were kids.
1445 Ross Avenue
Dallas, Texas
Partner: I was the youngest licensed hypnotist in New York.
312 Plum Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
