Crimes

Underling: Can I borrow your scissors?
Boss: Depends if you’re going to committ any crimes.
Underling: Just crimes against filing.

1 Easton Oval
Columbus, Ohio

Receptionist: He’s charged with digital rape, but I don’t see how you can rape someone over the internet.

501 Latrobe Street
Melbourne, Victoria
Australia

Help Desk #1: If I’m going down it ain’t gonna be for rocks. It’ll be a bank or something.
Help Desk #2: Or manure.

1900 East 9th Street
Cleveland, Ohio

Worker: Someone left puke in the toilet. I swear, bulimia should be illegal.

1000 SW Broadway
Portland, Oregon

District Supervisor: Wait, maybe I misunderstood him, but was he saying “Bachelor’s Degree”?
Regional Manager: Actually, the words he used were “Bastard’s Degree.”
District Supervisor: Ha, ha! I thought so but I didn’t think he could be that ignorant.
Regional Manager: Well, he is a retarded ex-con with personality disorders.
District Supervisor: Yeah, you’re right.

3651 Cedarcrest Avenue
Baton Rouge, Louisiana

Overheard by: Joshua Carpenter

Underling: You’ve got mail!
Financial Analyst: I don’t know that person. All right, I’ll take it.
Underling: There was some white powder in there, but I smelled it; it seemed fine.
Financial Analyst: Well, that’s good. Terrorists don’t use anthrax anymore.
Underling: Just family and friends now, huh? Excellent.

27 Terrace Drive
Vernon, Connecticut

Co-worker #1: Why do they only lock the girls’ bathroom and not the guys’?
Co-worker #2: So you don’t come in and rape us.
Co-worker #1: Yeah, that’s true.

475 Park Avenue South
New York, NY

Engineer: Man, I can’t write code today. Someone must have stole my
talent.
Manager: That would be petty theft.

8000 West Sunrise Boulevard
Plantation, Florida

Boss: Your brother is Wiccan?
Drone: Yes.
Boss: So he does magic?
Drone: He likes to think so.
Boss: And he’s not Christian?
Drone: …No.
Boss: So he can do whatever he wants? Like kill someone?
Drone: …No, he still has to abide by the laws of the land.

557 Church Street
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia

Office girl: Why don’t we recycle here?
Office guy: Because we’re fucking trying to eliminate winter!

740 Dundas Street E
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia