Veteran employee: Looks like all the seats are taken for the meeting.
Newbie: Well, there are some by me — looks like I am somewhat of a pariah!
Veteran employee: What? Oh you mean piranha — the word is ‘piranha.’ It’s a fish from, like, Australia. Oh, wait, does that mean you’re gonna bite me?
75 Washington Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Brian Brinegar
Restaurant manager shooing out two vagrants: Guys, you’ll have to leave. Go on.
Vagrant #1: How long you been in the klan?
Restaurant manager, taken aback: Actually, I’m Catholic and the klan is very anti-Catholic.
Vagrant #2: No. No! They were Catholics!
Restaurant manager: You’re wrong. Class dismissed. Now get your ass out of here or I’ll have the dish washers put you two motherfuckers in the trash compactor, ass-to-mouth.
Vagrant #1: You a bad Catholic!
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
Student: I can’t get this essay to say what I want it to say, and you aren’t helping me!
Tutor: Well, what do you want to say, exactly?
Student: That you’re an idiot who isn’t helping me!
Tutor: So write that.
Student: … Are you serious?
Tutor: Sure. Write your whole essay around it if you think you can support your argument.
Student: … But you’re the TA, so you’ll be grading it later, right?
Tutor: Let me put it this way — if you can write this argumentative essay well enough that I start to take your side, then I will give you an A for the semester.
Student: Can I get that in writing?
Tutor: Sure [writes it and signs it].
Student: Sweet. I’m head of the debate team, you know.
101 Braddock Road
Frostburg, Maryland
Overheard by: can’t wait to see how this one turns out…
Waitress: And so the guy from the health department says we have, like, one day to get this shit cleaned up or he is shutting us down. Oh my god, he’s right! Look at all this crap in the bottom of the ice… [As two customers walk in] Oh, hello. Two for dinner?
Diner
Maine
Overheard by: brian brinegar
Mother to son behind the curtain: If you don’t behave, I’m not going to take you to the hospital ever again.
Franklin Square Hospital
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Brain Surgeon
Woman to friend: I’m so going to hit you in the vagina for that!
950 Mission Street
San Francisco, California
Boss to tardy employee: I’m going to write you up with a verbal warning.
Employee: … Wait. What?
Boss: Don’t be smart.
Burnet Road
Austin, Texas
Manager to waiter: What are you doing up here? Go in the fucking kitchen so I can fucking beat your ass.
Italian Restaurant
Olney, Maryland
VP, using Instant Messenger: How do I type a smiley face that means, “I’ll cut you.”
550 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
Exec steals Nutri-Grain Bar from CEO.
CEO: Give that back!
Exec: No.
CEO, cornering exec and pushing him against the wall: Give that to me; that’s my Nutri-Grain!
Exec: You aren’t getting it back.
CEO: That’s stealing, man!
Exec: Buy some more! You’ve got the money!
CEO, releasing exec: You’re a real class act, man.
Exec unwraps and eats Nutri-Grain Bar.
5200 Dixie Road
Toronto, Ontario
