CEO: We can’t shoot our parents until we can afford to move out of the house.

355 Burrard Street
Vancouver, British Columbia

Peon #1: Those Jordanians are really teed off.
Peon #2: Is that even a word?

9115 Harris Corners Parkway
Charlotte, North Carolina

Boss: Did you hear about the terrorist attacks in Jordan?
Secretary: Um, yes; a suicide bomber killed hundreds of people at a wedding.
Boss: You see, you shouldn’t attend so many weddings. The odds are against you.

10550 North Torrey Pines Road
La Jolla, California

Sales engineer: Hey, you can’t use that, that’s a sales punch!
Accountant: Care to see a finance punch?

59 Marsh Lane
Solihull, West Midlands

Copywriter: I was accosted by a woman with a French accent at the mall at lunch today.
Art Director: Really? How odd.
Copywriter: Yeah, she buffed my nails and I purchased her product. Only now am I remembering the accent as being fake.
Art Director: I had a run in with the cops over lunch.

930 South Calhoun Street
Fort Wayne, Indiana

Boss: How was your day?
Employee miming pointing a gun to his head: Know what I mean? But it’s over now.
Boss: My father killed himself six months ago.
Employee: Did he use a gun?

47 Catherwood Road
Ithaca, New York

Overheard by: I prefer the

IT guy #1: I will kill you with my soup cup?
IT guy #2: Okay.

Dodge St
Omaha, Nebraska

Overheard by: Northern Lad

Coworker on phone to husband: We have to start hiding that camera from her. Yeah, yeah… You want me to beat her? Honey, I’m kidding! I’m just kidding! You know I never beat the kids.

14750 Miller Avenue
Fontana, California

Overheard by: Sara

Woman: If I was in the army and was sent to war, you’d better believe
that I’d get pregnant as fast as I could so they would send me home.

475 Buckhead Avenue
Atlanta, Georgia

Admin: You know that guy upstairs? Dan*? He pinched me with a pair of tweezers on that fatty bit you get on your hips and it *really hurt*. So I went back and burned him with a spoon.


Cube neighbor, after getting off phone with daughter: Oh, my kids!
Warehouse employee, walking by: We should all kill our kids. Oh, wait, did I say that out loud?

Irvine, California

Overheard by: scared cube-dweller