Consultants

Consultant #1: Where is [Jeff]?
Consultant #2: He’s not in my cubicle. That leaves the rest of the universe for you to search.
Consultant #1: Is he at lunch?
Consultant #2: If you’re going to start looking, do it now. The universe closes at 5.

250 Broadway
New York, NY

Specialist: This guy’s name is September…that can’t be right.
Boss: Not in January, it isn’t.

2929 North Mayfair Road
Milwaukee, Wisconsin

Specialist: He thought it was “unfair” that we’d charge him a fee for cashing out his certificate before the maturity date.
Boss: He’s lucky he was talking to you. I’d have told him, “I had to put my cat to sleep last night; that’s unfair.”

2929 North Mayfair Road
Milwaukee, Wisconsin

Analyst: Lehman Brothers called about the kegs order.

156 West 56th Street
New York, NY

Lawyer: You need to learn how to be human. Be less perfect; you don’t have to be so precise about everything. Be less professional. Any questions?
Secretary: Yeah. Do you have a handbook for how to be human?
Lawyer: Oh, now you’re going to be a smartass.

701 5th Avenue
Seattle, Washington

Originator: Two charts are just great. Very helpful. Two is a lot more
than one.
VP: Yeah, it’s like twice as much.

910 Lousiana Street
Houston, Texas

Speaker: What was the craziest thing you’ve ever done?
Attendee: Jumped off a bridge into a river in Fiji.
Speaker: Why’d you do that?
Attendee: ‘Cause Tony Robbins told me to.

481 8th Avenue
New York, NY

Agent #1: So, I see this girl, you know, in the grocery store. And she’s just this freak of a girl. A tall, thin freak. And it’s like this beam of light just descends on her, basking her in the smell of success. You know those moments?
Agent #2: The moments where you see tall, thin freaks?
Agent #1: Well, yeah — it’s like time stands still and you know you’ve just gotten the gold.
Agent #2: Yeah. It’s a religious experience.
Agent #1: Completely. Completely religious.

Outside DNA modeling agency, 5th Avenue
New York, New York

IT chick: Okay, okay, slow down… Your mouse isn’t working? [Pause] Ma’am… Ma’am, pick it up off the floor.

Internet domain registrar company
Scottsdale, Arizona

Receptionist on phone: Mom, there are no pictures of them in the paper. I don’t want to live in a decapitated house!

Lincoln Highway
Lancaster, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Assistant Girl