Advice

Employee on phone: You are a psycho if you think you’ll break up with me over the phone!…What am I supposed to say to a psycho?…What am I supposed to say to a psycho?…What am I supposed to say to a psycho?!
Co-Worker: For my sake, you can say goodbye to a psycho!

5760 Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi

Overheard by: Brain Dancing

Co-Worker #1: Don’t say “big business.” They’ll just write us off as anti-corporate crazies.
Co-Worker #2: But we are anti-corporate crazies.

Pause.

Co-Worker #1: Yes…but we don’t want to be written off as anti-corporate crazies nonetheless.

1700 Connecticut Avenue
Washington, DC

Overheard by: ECO

Coworker: It’s easy to determine who needs to take a sexual harassment class; just ask the person if “harass” is one word or two. If they say two, they need to take the class.

1200 Sovereign Row
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma

Overheard by: Not the guy who needs the class

Database administrator #1: You can either spend half a day showing them how to do it and another three weeks constantly answering questions, or you can just take half an hour and write the code for them.
Database administrator #2: Well, we should teach them how to fish instead of just feeding them every day!
Database administrator #1: You can teach them how to fish, but they still won’t know how to write code.

880 Carillon Parkway
St. Petersburg, Florida

Coworker #1: Have you been to Joey’s*? It’s awesome.
Coworker #2: Not in a long time. Not since it was a deli.
Coworker #1: Oh, you should go. They have those big hooba wooba pipes…Hooba booba…Hooba hooba pipes?
Coworker #2: Do you mean hookas?
Coworker #1: Yeah.

330 Garden Street
Santa Barbara, California

Overheard by: Violet White

Manager: We should try putting up our design pattern library on one of those new . . . kiwis!
Drone: [Sigh] Wikis?

1 Kirkwood Boulevard
Southlake, Texas

Co-worker #1: Rumor mill is churning… apparently some analysts have happy hour plans from 6-8 at a bar upstairs from Planet Hollywood… $3 drinks. [John], you should be able to afford that after selling all of your earthly possessions except for suit pants and a few white shirts.
[John]: From selling my car I can buy 6,000 beers. So drink drink drink drink chug chug chug.
Co-worker #2: Or you can just buy 3,000 beers and buy us fancy dinner.
[John]: How about 3,000 beers and 3,000 hamsters? It’s only $3.00 apiece from Pavonia Newport mall in Jersey. We’ll use the hamsters to make fur coats… Might be patchy due to the color variation of the hamsters.
Co-worker #2: How about 3,000 beers and 3,000 hamsters, and we’ll make ourselves a hamster farm in the men’s bathroom. Within 2 weeks, 3,000 hamsters will increase exponentially, and once we’re done selling them all, we’ll have more than enough money to buy real fur coats.
Co-worker #1: We could eat the hamsters, too — a good source of protein, also filling yet not too high on the calorie counter. Within six months, we can look like guys in fitness commercials, and mask our self-loathing with biceps and frosty tips.
[John]: Hamsters make good drinking buddies with their itsy weenie beer mugs and blunt humor. Let’s try not to eat them.

270 Park Avenue
New York, New York

Worker on phone: I don’t care if you threw up or not, I’m not canceling that dentist appointment…Well, take some Tums and go anyway. If you have to throw up again, throw up on them; who cares?

321 Norristown Road
Ambler, Pennsylvania

Manager: The organization just gets bloated. There are all these Vice Presidents, and each of them has 10 or 12 locations reporting to him. And they all need resources, so he puts his team together. Sometimes you just need an enema.

901 East Whitmore Avenue
Modesto, California

Designer: Hey, you left your turn signal on. Better turn it off or you’ll run out of blinker fluid.
Secretary: Oh, okay. I don’t even know how to check that. I’ll have the guy at the dealership fill it next time.

201 Forrester Drive
Greenville, South Carolina

Overheard by: Ape