Advice

Drive-Thru Duty at the Bangalore Call Center Is Lonely Work

Delivery lady, on phone: Okay, what can I get for you?
Customer on the other end: I’d like a medium pepperoni pizza with no sauce and a cherry coke.
Lady, typing on a computer: Okay, a medium pizza with no sauce, just plain cheese, is that correct?
Customer: No. With pepperoni. And a cherry coke.
Lady: Pepperoni… [types again] I’m just pushing all the wrong buttons tonight.
Customer: Yeah, I know what you mean.
Lady: It’s one of those days where you just shouldn’t have woken up, you know?
Customer: Uh… yeah.
Lady: At least it’s almost over though, right?
Customer: …right….
Lady: So you said you wanted a medium pepperoni pizza, with no sauce, a side of ranch, and a cherry coke?
Customer: No side of ranch.
Lady: Awww, but ranch is good for you!
Customer: …no ranch, thank you.
Lady: Fine, goodnight. [hangs up phone]

Hanover, New Hampshire

Overheard by: Will

… Is What I Say to My Wife in Bed

Manager: If you want to get in on the Vulcan mind meld, you gotta come over here and chug some of this maple syrup.

650 Park Avenue
King of Prussia, Pennsylvania

Can You Define “Treat”?

Coworker: Treat yourself and your vag — get a pap.

Austin, Texas

Does That Come with Itching and Peeling?

Woman on bus: You've gotta be careful in life and not let your mishaps turn into haps!

Jersey City, New Jersey

Overheard by: Evan

How about Just the Minor Drug Offenders?

Coworker: Did you hear? Jerry Brown is our new Attorney General!
Boss: That’s it! Open up all the prisons! Set the prisoners free! And give them all marijuana on the way out!

708 Fiero Lane
San Luis Obispo, California

Did You Just Suggest That I Get Stoned?

Director: I haven't slept in 10 days!
Worker bee: Vickie has an amulet–try that.

Redmond, Washington

Or Shaped Like Giant Doorways, in Case of Earthquakes

Guy clerk: Hey, this safety pamphlet says to get into the bathtub if a tornado is coming.
Gal clerk: Well, duh, why don’t they just build houses shaped like giant bathtubs?

5760 East Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi

Overheard by: Brain Dancing

After Emptying the Register, the Robbers Attempted to Unsuccessfully Masquerade as Employees

Employee: Can I help you?
Customer: Hi. Yes, may I have a turkey artichoke panini?
Employee: No.
Customer: No?
Employee: No. We don’t have those.
Customer: But it’s right there on your board. Do you mean you ran out of them today?
Employee: Yeah, that’s what I said. Order the other turkey sandwich, it’s exactly the same.
Customer: Actually I think I’ll just have a salad.
Employee: I’ll be right back. [Goes in back room.]Employee: Did you hear what I just said back there?
Customer: Ummm… No.
Employee: Good. I mean, cause it wasn’t about you.
Customer: Ok…

Panera Bread Co.
Tysons Corner, Virginia

The Clerk Used to Work at Starbucks

Customer: I need to get a dozen and a half, mixed.
Clerk, counting on her day-glo orange fingernails: It’d be cheaper if you got 18.
Customer: What’s the difference?
Clerk: ten cents.
Smirking customer: Ok, I’ll take 18.

Dunkin’ Donuts
Columbia, South Carolina

Overheard by: are u kidding me?

The Tendrils That Escape My Bikini Are Just Advertising

Female employee #1: I thought the least I could do to get ready for my cruise is getting a pedicure.
Female employee #2: Are you going to a bikini wax too?
Female employee #1: No, getting a pedicure is already almost too girly for me.
Female employee #2: C’mon Andrea*, once you have it done, you will be amazed at how neat and pretty it can be down there.
Female employee #1: No way! I like to be “all natural,” including down there if you know what I mean.

Houston, Texas

Overheard by: Em-bare-ssed

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