Coworker: Treat yourself and your vag — get a pap.

Austin, Texas

Woman on bus: You've gotta be careful in life and not let your mishaps turn into haps!

Jersey City, New Jersey

Overheard by: Evan

Coworker: Did you hear? Jerry Brown is our new Attorney General!
Boss: That’s it! Open up all the prisons! Set the prisoners free! And give them all marijuana on the way out!

708 Fiero Lane
San Luis Obispo, California

Director: I haven't slept in 10 days!
Worker bee: Vickie has an amulet–try that.

Redmond, Washington

Guy clerk: Hey, this safety pamphlet says to get into the bathtub if a tornado is coming.
Gal clerk: Well, duh, why don’t they just build houses shaped like giant bathtubs?

5760 East Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi

Overheard by: Brain Dancing

Employee: Can I help you?
Customer: Hi. Yes, may I have a turkey artichoke panini?
Employee: No.
Customer: No?
Employee: No. We don’t have those.
Customer: But it’s right there on your board. Do you mean you ran out of them today?
Employee: Yeah, that’s what I said. Order the other turkey sandwich, it’s exactly the same.
Customer: Actually I think I’ll just have a salad.
Employee: I’ll be right back. [Goes in back room.]Employee: Did you hear what I just said back there?
Customer: Ummm… No.
Employee: Good. I mean, cause it wasn’t about you.
Customer: Ok…

Panera Bread Co.
Tysons Corner, Virginia

Customer: I need to get a dozen and a half, mixed.
Clerk, counting on her day-glo orange fingernails: It’d be cheaper if you got 18.
Customer: What’s the difference?
Clerk: ten cents.
Smirking customer: Ok, I’ll take 18.

Dunkin’ Donuts
Columbia, South Carolina

Overheard by: are u kidding me?

Female employee #1: I thought the least I could do to get ready for my cruise is getting a pedicure.
Female employee #2: Are you going to a bikini wax too?
Female employee #1: No, getting a pedicure is already almost too girly for me.
Female employee #2: C’mon Andrea*, once you have it done, you will be amazed at how neat and pretty it can be down there.
Female employee #1: No way! I like to be “all natural,” including down there if you know what I mean.

Houston, Texas

Overheard by: Em-bare-ssed

New hire: Can't we maybe be more optimistic about the sales projections?
Boss: Optimism? Optimism? Optimism is just lack of information.

Washington, DC

85-year-old client: I’ve been sick all morning but I’ll tell you what: the best way to cure diarrhea is by drinking wine!
Sales manager on phone: Oh… Um… Really?

Dulles, Virginia

Overheard by: Rather Disgusted