Insults

Did You Get the Package I Sent?

Girl answering phone: Hi.
Guy on speaker: Hey… What are you doing?
Girl: Nothing.
Guy: Don’t e-mail me today.
Girl: Why?
Guy: They are using my computer for a presentation.
Girl: Oh, okay.
Guy: I don’t need them seeing ‘Eff you!’
Girl: Haha, I never put that in the subject line.
Guy: Right… Or ‘I eff-ing hate you… And I’m not joking.’
Girl: Hahaha, I haven’t said that in so long!
Guy: You texted that to me last night.
Girl: Oh. Hahaha. No, I said, ‘You better be dead… And I’m not even joking!’

Law office, Highway 10 and 403
Ontario
Canadia

Lucky I Have You to Look after the Details

Boss: … So I said, ‘Two words: Go fuck yourself.’
Employee: Three words, boss.
Boss: Whatever.

Hadera
Israel

Overheard by: SmR

Freud Discovers Psychoanalysis and Calls His Mom

Manager on phone: Oh, yes, I remember now. Fuck you!

75 Washington Avenue
Portland, Maine

Overheard by: brian brinegar

Avast, Ye Lubber!

Lieutenant: You work for a law enforcement agency, not a pirate ship!
Employee with sideburns: Sir?

Columbus Avenue
Boston, Massachusetts

When Good Deeds Become Career-Limiting

HR clerk: Excuse me, ma’am, but it appears that you have something stuck in your pantyhose on your left leg.
Visiting manager’s wife: I’m not wearing pantyhose!

5760 East Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi

Overheard by: Brain Dancing

This Is Actually a Great Segue to Your Firing

Manager: At this point we’re only hiring servers who I know will do a really great job.
Waitress #1, with a wink: That’s why I was hired, right? ‘Cause you knew I’d do an awesome job?
Manager: Yes.
Waitress #2: I think I was hired because the regional manager liked me.
Manager: No, you were hired because the restaurant had just opened and we would have hired anybody.

Peppers Ferry Road
Christiansburg, Virginia

So How Old Are You, Loser-Boy?

Drone #1: Hey, where were you Saturday night? The ladies were all up on this.
Drone #2: I went to a birthday party.
Drone #1: Hehehehe… What a dumb waste of time. Whose birthday party was it?
Drone #2: Mine.
Drone #1: Oh… Happy birthday.

377 South Oyster Bay Road
Plainview, New York

Overheard by: tonyg

But I Speak a Smattering of Moron

Coworker on phone: No, sir, I am not an idiot.

Chicago, Illinois

Nixed Greens

Coworker #1: I am going across the street to get something to eat. Do you ladies want anything?
Coworker #2: Do you want to bring me back a salad?
Coworker #1: Not really… I was just being courteous.

North University and Fletcher Streets
Michigan

Don’t Trust Anyone in Double Digits

First grader #1: Miss D.*, how old are you?
23-year-old Miss D.: Well…
First grader #2: Shhh! Don’t you know you’re not supposed to ask an old lady how old she is?!

Hauppauge, New York

Overheard by: Toni

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