Coworker #1: She got to the point where she couldn’t leave the house anymore. She had that — what do you call it — homophobia.
Coworker #2: Ah, I think you mean ‘agoraphobia.’
Coworker #1: No, I’m pretty sure it’s homophobia.
Coworker #2: … If you say so.
187 Thomas Street
Sydney
Australia
Boss: I want Joan* helicoptered into this afternoon’s meeting.
Peon: But Joan works in this building. She could just walk.
Boss: I wasn’t being literal — it’s a metaphysical helicopter.
Aberdeen
Scotland
Overheard by: metaphysical, my arse
Guy: Man, having cigarettes without a lighter is like having peanuts without the jelly!
Lady: Don’t you mean butter?
Guy: Oh, no. I got the butter.
1450 East Parham Road
Richmond, Virginia
Overheard by: smoking some distance away
Cop: What’s your name?
Gangbanger: Huh?
Cop: Huh?
Gangbanger: Huh?
Cop: Huh?
Gangbanger: Huh?
Cop: Huh?
Gangbanger: Derrick Johnson*.
Cop: Where do you live?
Gangbanger: Huh?
Cop: Huh?
5200 W Madison Street
Chicago, Illinois
Cashier: … And do you have your Hudson’s Bay credit card with you today?
Gangster #1: My what?
Cashier: HBC credit card. It’s gold.
Gangster #1: Oh, yeah, man. I think so. Uhhh… Is this it?
Cashier: No, that’s your MasterCard. I’m looking for the HBC card, if you have it.
Gangster #1: Oh, yeah, man, HBC! They always be sendin’ me bills in the mail and shit, you know, and I don’t even know why!
Gangster #2: Dude, that’s HSBC. That’s the bank.
Gangster #1: Oh.
Gangster #2: You don’t even know the difference, do you?
Gangster #1: Not really. So, like, one has an S and one doesn’t have an S, right? Is that it?
Gangster #2: No, it’s completely different.
Gangster #1: Well, so what, man? I still gotta pay the bills whether it has an S or whether it don’t have an S, right?
Zellers Lansdowne Mall
Richmond, British Columbia
Canadia
Coworker #1 : Yo, did y’all know Robert E. Lee was an Aborigine?
Long pause.
Coworker #2: Do you mean ‘abolitionist’?
Coworker #1: Oh, yeah.
1434 Larimer Street
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: John Howard
Manager: We are not going to use anyone as an escaped goat.
Columbia Mall
Grand Forks, North Dakota
Creepster hitting on CSA: Hey, there you are again.
CSA, without making eye contact: …Hey.
Creepster: You know what? You so beautiful.
CSA doesn’t respond.
Creepster, with spittle flying from between front teeth: Has anyone ever told you that you’re very photo-generic?
Animal Hospital
Charlotte, North Carolina
Overheard by: another CSA
Customer: Hi, I’m looking for a climbing plant, but I’m not sure what it’s called. It sounds like ‘clem’-something, or ‘clam’-something?
Employee: Right… Ah, ‘chlamydia’?
Customer: Um… No, that’s–
Employee, yelling over the crowd: Hey, Linda*, I have a customer looking for chlamydia. Do we have that?
Linda: That’s a venereal disease — she probably wants ‘clematis.’
Employee: Hey, she left!
Farmstand on Route 2
Lincoln, Massachusetts
Overheard by: petunias for me, thanks
Middle-aged guy #1 looking at menu: Hey, man, they spelled ‘Caesar’ wrong.
Middle-aged guy #2: What do you mean?
Middle-aged guy #1: They spelled it C-A-E-S-A-R instead of C-E-A-S-A-R. They switched the ‘A’ and ‘E.’
Middle-aged guy #2: Yeah, I’ve seen it spelled that way before. It’s, like, the authentic Roman spelling.
Middle-aged guy #1: Oh, yeah, they were always doing crazy shit… Like backward V’s and stuff.
Sam Snead’s Tavern
Shawnee on Delaware, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Logan
