Guard to woman, as metal detector beeps at her: Please step over here, ma'am.
Woman: I don't carry sharp objects on me…except my wit.
Guard: Please.

LAX Security Check-In
Los Angeles, California

Overheard by: 2Aron

Police officer, taking initial report on phone: So your stereo was stolen from your vehicle in the hospital parking lot last night? (pause) Okay, sir, I'll get someone out to you to take the report. And sir, I'll be working the security at the hospital tonight and I promise that while I'm on duty no one will steal your stereo out of your car.(laughs) Because it's already been stolen.

Zachary, Louisiana

Security Guard #1: Man, but 8 times! That’s gotta hurt.
Security Guard #2: Can’t be much difference to taking 7 slugs.

Wharf 8, Murray Street
Sydney, Australia

Overheard by: spleenboy

Probationee: You’re a good listener. You really listen when I talk to you. You’re like a pedophile.
Probation officer: A what?
Probationee: A pedophile, you know. Someone who is a good listener.

Lancaster County Offices
Lancaster, Pennsylvania

Border patrol agent: I tried to tell the guy his brother was dead. Metamorphosis had already set in.

3423 Interstate Highway 35
Cotulla, Texas

FBI agent: Excuse me, I’m an investigator for the FBI. I would like a copy of a student’s transcript.
Registrar: Ok. You need to pay a $7 transcript fee.
FBI agent: Uh. I don’t think I need to pay that. I’m an investigator for the FBI.
Registrar: Everybody has to pay for a transcript.
FBI agent: I think I will have to speak to your supervisor.
Registrar: I’m sorry, but that’s what the sign says.

John Jay College of Criminal Justice, 10th Avenue
New York, New York

Overheard by: Waiting next in line

Policewoman: Right. So then I had to search her, and I found a crack pipe shoved somewhere that a crack pipe should never be shoved. So I entered it in the log, and then I threw it into the garbage. Then she said, ‘No, you can’t throw it out. That’s my best one! I’ll never get another one like it!’
Mother: Oh my god, honey, how nasty! I don’t like you working in situations like this.
Policewoman: Well, but my point is this: of course she’ll get it back. Soon as I release her, she’ll just go digging in the trash and find it, and shove it right back where I found it.

Belmont Avenue and Sheridan Road
Chicago, Illinois

Dispatch: Got a report of a small black car going very fast.
Officer: Any other description besides “small black car”?
Dispatch: It's going very fast.
Officer: Thanks… Over.

Police Scanner

Overheard by: Mike

Businesslady: Where the hell is my charger, did I leave it at the office? I thought I put it in, but…Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to talk to myself.
TSA lady: Well, that’s OK, Sugar. Sometimes we have to talk to ourselves because we’re the only ones who can understand.

Sky Harbor Airport
Phoenix, Arizona

Supervisor: Was this class as bad I thought?
Female cop, leaving seminar, about instructor: He likes to say 'quick and dirty' way too much and the dude rambles like a drunk riding a bicycle.

Louisiana State Police Head Quarters
Baton Rouge, Louisiana

Overheard by: i snuck out early, too