Woman: I wanted to find out the status of the investigation on my stolen bike. It happened three weeks ago, and I haven’t heard back.
Cop: Well, ma’am, we’ve been busy with the orange alert.
Woman: I’m sorry — orange alert?
Cop: Ma’am, we’re in a war.
Woman: A war?!
Cop: The war with Iraq?
Woman: … You mean the fucking Iraqis stole my bike?!
Washington, DC
Building guest: I'm supposed to be upstairs on the 23rd floor for Cox.
Building security: Whoa there!
Manhattan, New York
Security guard: Um, we have a problem here.
Traveler: And what might that be?
Security guard: Do you have any other form of identification? Your driver’s license is expired.
Traveler: No, it’s not… this is 2006.
Security guard: You may pass.
General Mitchell Airport
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Feeling Secure
Security guard in lobby: Ma'am, you need to take the baby out of the pumpkin seat before you put the pumpkin seat through the x-ray machine.
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Girl Friday
Cop: Pick me up a diet water.
Secretary: If they don’t have diet, is regular okay?
Police department
New Jersey
Deputy: That guy told the judge that the crack they found up his ass wasn’t his.
Police station
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: more information than anyone needed
Attendant: Is the cat male or female?
Animal Cop: Female.
Attendant: So you checked?
Animal Cop: No, I didn’t check the plumbing, if that’s what you mean.
Attendant: So how do you know it’s a female?
Animal Cop: Because the cat was feisty. Kind of like my wife.
326 110th Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: M.L. Liu
Male cop: Just so you know, no matter what she said, I was not trying to play with her boobs. I was just trying to throw something down in there… You can ask Susan* — she was there.
Augusta, Georgia
Overheard by: uh… didn’t need to know that
Security guard: I walked in on him making love to a mannequin, so I kicked the shit out of him.
Hazeldean Mall
Kanata, Ontario, Canada
