Substance Use & Abuse

Worker #1: I went to all the liquor stores this morning, and they were closed. They don’t open until 10 AM.
Worker #2: Well, that’s retarded. Haven’t they ever heard of mimosas?
Worker #1: Or alcoholics?

37 West 20 Street
New York, New York

Overheard by: shenanigan

Co-worker #1: What are you up to tonight?
Co-worker #2: After the week I’ve had, I’m getting so drunk I pee on something.
Co-worker #1: Cool.

College Station Drive
Macon, Georgia

PM: Hey, Craig*, can you [makes weird slurping noise]?
Craig: No thanks, I’m married.
PM: I don’t know what that means.

191 Oak Plaza Drive
Winston-Salem, North Carolina

Administrator: Here’s my theory on drunk driving: People get caught drunk driving because they never learned how to drive drunk when they were kids.

1445 Ross Avenue
Dallas, Texas

Dad: [searching through bin of Nalgene bottles] Where is it? I know they have it.
Toddler son: Have what, dad?
Dad: [still searching] The same color bottle I had.
Toddler son: Why do you need a new one, dad?
Dad: Because mommy got drunk and left my old one at her boyfriend’s house.

3225 Peachtree Road
Atlanta, Georgia

Analyst: It’s ten minutes ’til beer o’ clock!

535 Routes 6 & 209
Milford, Pennsylvania

Co-worker: The worst thing you can do is pull over on the side of the road and get into your trunk. It’s a good way to get yourself killed.

1201 West Peachtree Street NW
Atlanta, Georgia

Analyst: Lehman Brothers called about the kegs order.

156 West 56th Street
New York, NY

Worker: So the Christmas party is mandatory?
Boss: Of course not, but if you don’t show you’ll probably be ostracized.
Worker: …And I have to sign a waiver to drink?
Boss: Do you think a company of lawyers would let everyone drink, then drive, and not cover their asses?

962 Coronado Boulevard
Universal City, Texas

Co-worker #1: So, I think I have decided to give up caffeine. But I can’t decide if I should give up liquid caffeine, or sugar caffeine.
Co-worker #2: You should give up the liquid kind.
Co-worker #1: Does that mean I have to give up my coffee in the mornings?
Co-worker #2: Naw, just cut back on the amount of pop you drink.

6700 Antioch Road
Overland Park, Kansas