Customer: I know it sounds like my husband drinks too much, but he really doesn’t.
Alcohol-company CSR: Hey, I talk about alcohol all day long. You can’t shock me.
Customer: Well, I write erotica, so I talk about sex all day long!
Alcohol-company CSR: Really?
Customer: Yeah. I just turned in my manuscript today, but it was three weeks late. I keep telling my editor, “I don’t write smut on demand!” But I write very good smut.
800 Market Street
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: Easily Entertained
General manager: Feeling better today?
Waitress, laughing: Oh, yes!
General manager: Why are you laughing?
Waitress: Oh, it’s nothing.
General manager: No, tell me!
Waitress: I can’t!
General manager: Is it girl stuff?
Waitress: No.
General manager: Well, then tell me!
Waitress: Ok. I’m feeling better because I got really fucking stoned last night.
General manager: Dopehead.
Beaumont, Texas
IT nerd #1: Well, it’s kinda like when you are on shrooms.
IT nerd #2: Um…
IT nerd #1: Okay, well, same thing as LSD.
IT nerd #2: I have never tried that either.
IT nerd #1: Peyote?
IT nerd #2: No…
IT nerd #1: Mescaline?
IT nerd #2: I have never tried illegal drugs.
IT nerd #1: Okay, well, it’s kinda like quickly drinking 8 or 9 bottles of NyQuil.
IT nerd #2: Oooohhh, okay. That I’ve done. Now I understand.
Elevator
2-3-14 Shinagawa-ku
Tokyo, Japan
Overheard by: Brian Milvid
Worker #1: I went to all the liquor stores this morning, and they were closed. They don’t open until 10 AM.
Worker #2: Well, that’s retarded. Haven’t they ever heard of mimosas?
Worker #1: Or alcoholics?
37 West 20 Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: shenanigan
Co-worker #1: What are you up to tonight?
Co-worker #2: After the week I’ve had, I’m getting so drunk I pee on something.
Co-worker #1: Cool.
College Station Drive
Macon, Georgia
PM: Hey, Craig*, can you [makes weird slurping noise]?
Craig: No thanks, I’m married.
PM: I don’t know what that means.
191 Oak Plaza Drive
Winston-Salem, North Carolina
Administrator: Here’s my theory on drunk driving: People get caught drunk driving because they never learned how to drive drunk when they were kids.
1445 Ross Avenue
Dallas, Texas
Dad: [searching through bin of Nalgene bottles] Where is it? I know they have it.
Toddler son: Have what, dad?
Dad: [still searching] The same color bottle I had.
Toddler son: Why do you need a new one, dad?
Dad: Because mommy got drunk and left my old one at her boyfriend’s house.
3225 Peachtree Road
Atlanta, Georgia
Analyst: It’s ten minutes ’til beer o’ clock!
535 Routes 6 & 209
Milford, Pennsylvania
