Hispanic lady: My husband just called to let me know that he’s cooking dinner for me tonight — it’ll be ready when I get home.
Black guy: That’s bullshit. He’s just full of Budweiser, wantin’ you to come home and all.
Hispanic lady: My husband don’t drink no more!
Black guy: Bullshit!
Hispanic lady: No, really! He stopped drinking and smoking 10 years ago!
Black guy: Well, if he don’t drink then he ain’t no Mexican. That’s all they do!
Houston, Texas
Boss: So, how was everybody’s weekend?
Mother of the year, proudly: I got so drunk at my daughter’s sixth birthday party that I passed out on the couch at three p.m. I think my husband kept an eye on all the kids, but either way, everyone was gone when I woke up at 5:30.
Lebanon, New Jersey
Overheard by: she was gone, too, from the sound of it.
Distressed middle-aged man to wife: Well, that’s what happens when you give spiked eggnog to old people!
1250 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Confused Passerby
Chick: Hi, I’m here for the interview…
Employee: Alright… What’s your name?
Chick: I’m here for an appointment at 3:30.
Employee: Oh, it’s noon right now, so… not for a while!
Chick: Oh, is it? Ohhh my gosh, I’m so sorry. I’m, like, really blazed right now.
Northlake Boulevard
West Palm Beach, Florida
Overheard by: cool, im hungover.
Woman #1: Oh my god, I got so drunk last night that I ate a cigarette!
Woman #2: What? Did you throw up?
Woman #1: I tried to make myself. I got some of it out, but the filter is still in there. Do you think that’s bad?
Woman #2: I doubt it.
Woman #1: I have no freaking clue why I did it, I just decided to — it was so bizarre!
Woman #2: Oh, man…
1020 19th Street NW
Washington, DC
Man: Are you 21?
Teen girl: I’m 16.
Man: Oh, I was going to buy you your first in-flight drink.
Woman sitting behind them: I’m her mother. You can buy me a drink.
Flight from Michigan to Phoenix
Overheard by: Enigmae
Grandma to stranger: Meth is way worse than heroin.
Granddaughter: What?
Grandma: Oh. Ummm, nothing, honey… Nevermind. Aren’t we here to gamble and drink?
Caesars, Indiana
Overheard by: Fatty
Guy #1: Hey, you don’t look so great.
Guy #2: Yeah, I’m sick, I think I might throw up.
Guy #1: I’ve thrown up lots of times at work… but I was hung-over.
Downtown, Boston, MA
Interviewer: Just fill out this application and wait to be called for the interview.
Interviewee: Does it matter if I got a crack possession against me?
420 Harding
Tennessee
Devout drinker: So if you think about it… Moses would want you to be drunk right now.
1 University Station
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Converting to Judaism
