On the Road

Male flight attendant holding garbage bag and walking down aisle: Trash, garbage, jewelery, wallets. Trash, garbage, jewelery, wallets…

Continental Flight from Berlin to Newark, New Jersey

Office on phone: No. I do not want to take a shuttle bus to Uruguay. I will not sit next to a chicken.

Woburn, Massachusetts

Conductor #1: I found a purse back there, I'm taking it up front.
(walks through the cars)
Conductor #2 on PA: Attention passengers, if anyone has a pair of red high heels to match Alan's* new bag please see him in the first car.

MARC Train
Brunswick, Maryland

Flight attendant to delayed travelers: Last call for Winnipeg… We still have plenty of seats available. I know there are a lot of canceled flights today. Have you ever considered a trip to Canada?

O’Hare International Airport
Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: Considered it.

Flight attendant: … We don’t expect a change in cabin pressure, but if it does occur, a designer oxygen mask will be released in front of you. Secure the mask on yourself first, then, if you are traveling with children, put a mask on the child with the most potential, then put a mask on the other one…
Mother passenger: [Gasps, horrified.]Flight attendant: … This is a non-smoking flight, but if you do decide to smoke, we will have you reseated on the wing of the plane where you can watch our feature presentation of Bye Bye Birdie or Gone with the Wind

Southwest Airlines flight from Kansas City, Missouri, to Tampa, Florida

Overheard by: Jessica

Chinese immigrant driver: Everyone is talking about gay marriage. What is ‘gay’?
Lady driver: It’s, uh, when two men or two women like each other in a, uh, sexual way.
Chinese immigrant driver: Oh! We don’t have that in China.

Calgary International Airport Parkade
Calgary, Alberta

Overheard by: Girl Driver #2

Man: Are you 21?
Teen girl: I’m 16.
Man: Oh, I was going to buy you your first in-flight drink.
Woman sitting behind them: I’m her mother. You can buy me a drink.

Flight from Michigan to Phoenix

Overheard by: Enigmae