Creepsters

Co-worker #1: Rumor mill is churning… apparently some analysts have happy hour plans from 6-8 at a bar upstairs from Planet Hollywood… $3 drinks. [John], you should be able to afford that after selling all of your earthly possessions except for suit pants and a few white shirts.
[John]: From selling my car I can buy 6,000 beers. So drink drink drink drink chug chug chug.
Co-worker #2: Or you can just buy 3,000 beers and buy us fancy dinner.
[John]: How about 3,000 beers and 3,000 hamsters? It’s only $3.00 apiece from Pavonia Newport mall in Jersey. We’ll use the hamsters to make fur coats… Might be patchy due to the color variation of the hamsters.
Co-worker #2: How about 3,000 beers and 3,000 hamsters, and we’ll make ourselves a hamster farm in the men’s bathroom. Within 2 weeks, 3,000 hamsters will increase exponentially, and once we’re done selling them all, we’ll have more than enough money to buy real fur coats.
Co-worker #1: We could eat the hamsters, too — a good source of protein, also filling yet not too high on the calorie counter. Within six months, we can look like guys in fitness commercials, and mask our self-loathing with biceps and frosty tips.
[John]: Hamsters make good drinking buddies with their itsy weenie beer mugs and blunt humor. Let’s try not to eat them.

270 Park Avenue
New York, New York

Partner: I’m gonna call her and see if I can feel her up.

1001 G Street NW
Washington, DC

Urinal #1: I am going home for the day. Take care, you have a good one.
Urinal #2: Thanks; I didn’t even know you were looking.

3 2nd Street
Jersey City, New Jersey

Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer

Creepy waiter: The new girl’s pants sure are tight.
Mousy waitress: Yeah.
Creepy waiter: You can tell she shaves her biscuit. [Mousy waitress blinks, quickly puts on long apron, and walks away.]

Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana

Overheard by: Shatmandu

Sales guy #1: You know, this hand sanitizer stuff. Can you like.. wash with it?

Uncertain silence.

Sales guy #1: Like, wash your whole body?
Sales guy #2: Well, you’re going to need a bigger bottle.

8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina

Office chick #1: Hey, I like your shoes. Are they new?
Office chick #2: Thanks. I’ve had them for a while. I just haven’t been wearing them.
Office chick #1: They’re kind of low cut.
Office dude: Yeah, I can see a lot of arch. If this was the middle east, I’d totally be raping you right now.

Rancho Cordova, California

Overheard by: Good thing we’re in Cali.

Guy #1: Give me a break. I’ve been here since 6 AM!
Guy #2: Why would you do that to yourself?
Guy #1: Well, I’ve been a very bad boy, and I deserve a spanking. But that’s too expensive here in the city so instead I do this.

469 7th Avenue
New York, New York

Manager: So, what are your hobbies? What do you do for fun?
Newbie: I like to breed.

1700 Research Boulevard
Rockville, Maryland

Overheard by: Septimus

Manager: Okay, bitches. At this beach party I want y’all to take care of business down South. I don’t want no hairy pussy to attack me while I’m tanning. [All female coworkers nod and walk away.]

Fulton Street
New York, New York

Overheard by: coworker

Teacher: You know, now that they are both 18, we can rape them, and it wouldn’t be considered statutory.

2 Stewart Place
Eastchester, New York

Overheard by: Johnnymunz