Maryland

Administrator: [Les], do you have any overdue surveys?
[Les]: No, I don’t.
Administrator: You don’t have any surveys due before the 26th?
[Les]: No, the only surveys I have were due on the 23rd and the 24th.

811 Russell Avenue
Gaithersburg, Maryland

Receptionist: [Steve], I thought about you today when the speaker started talking about anal sex.

1000 Hilltop Circle
Catonsville, Maryland

Worker: First, go to the website. [says URL]Customer: Do I need to go online first?

Maryland

Obese woman on mobility scooter, scowling: Whatever happened to rational soups?

Employee cafeteria
Salisbury, Maryland

Overheard by: minnie stronie

Marketing manager: Do you want some vegan nuts?
Operations wonk (after long pause): I don't think you should ever say that to me again.

Rockville, Maryland

Overheard by: Septimus

Staff member: I love baklava. Have you ever had the vegan baklava? It's so good!
Grad student: I don't think I've had vegan anything.
Staff member: I think it's made from hemp or something. I wonder if it's okay to eat it and then come to work.
Grad student: I don't know.
Staff member, pretending to be high: You'd be like, “Woooah! Heeeey!”
Grad student, joining in: Woooooaaaaahhh!

Baltimore, Maryland

Overheard by: How do these people make it through college?

Manager: Yeah, so at this new salon I can get my hair highlighted for $120, and that includes the shampoo, haircut, and blow job.

Bethesda, Maryland

Intern: Lou* just said he really likes my sense of humor! He said I’m self-defecating! Can you believe it? Lou thinks I’m self-defecating — he thinks I sit in my own shit! Lou’s so cool.
Lou, two cubes away: I said ‘self-deprecating,’ you idiot.
Intern: Oh.

6707 Democracy Boulevard
Bethesda, Maryland

Overheard by: One cubicle over

Broker: I’m going to grab some lunch; if my wife calls, tell her I’m not going down tonight. She’ll just have to wait until tomorrow.

250 West Pratt Street
Baltimore, Maryland

White HR director: I’ve never touched someone’s head like that before! I touched it, and it was all wavy. I told him, you’re the first African-American person’s head I’ve ever touched. You should feel honored.

8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland

Overheard by: Just an office girl…