Scientist #1 to intern, smacking him in the face with a latex glove: I challenge you to a duel! [Intern rolls his eyes and walks away.] Interns these days — they don’t have a sense of humor.
Scientist #2: Does it really matter? He could be a psycho serial killer, but as long as he does my work for me I don’t really care.
701 East Pratt Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Mid-life crisis coworker: Hi, this is James*. You remember me? Good. Well, I was just calling to tell you that there’s lettuce on my bagel, and I ordered no lettuce, no tomato, and this is the third time this has happened. You guys make great food, but this is unacceptable and I thought you should be aware of your error.
Owings Mills, Maryland
Overheard by: widget
CSR girl: The Gold Gentleman’s Club… That’s where girls strip, right?
Sleazy manager: Yeah, they got real pretty girls there, but they don’t dance long enough! You give them a 20, and they look at you like, ‘What have you done for me lately?’
Quiet guy: They’ve got really good food there on Fridays.
8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Office Peon
Tech: When you open a Ziploc to find a severed hand…
Owings Mills, Maryland
Student aide #1: So, what happened next?
Student aide #2: Well, I had my eyes closed, and the next thing I know my fat-ass brother is on top of me, sucking my ear.
1121 Duvall Highway
Pasadena, Maryland
Overheard by: Disturbed English Teacher
Managing director: What happened to you?
Warehouse employee: A skid fell on my leg. Don* just left to call me an ambulance.
Managing director: A skid of what?
Warehouse employee: … Ground coriander.
Managing director: That came in today? Great! We’ve been waiting for that.
Warehouse employee: … My leg is broken.
Managing director: And we appreciate that.
6105 Oakleaf Avenue
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Ren
Peon: Wow! I wouldn’t sit on that even if its mouth was taped shut.
9070 Junction Drive
Annapolis Junction, Maryland
Coworker: Huh? Dude, I can’t hear you, you have your headphones in.
Cambridge, Maryland
Overheard by: Why oh why…?
Student: I can’t get this essay to say what I want it to say, and you aren’t helping me!
Tutor: Well, what do you want to say, exactly?
Student: That you’re an idiot who isn’t helping me!
Tutor: So write that.
Student: … Are you serious?
Tutor: Sure. Write your whole essay around it if you think you can support your argument.
Student: … But you’re the TA, so you’ll be grading it later, right?
Tutor: Let me put it this way — if you can write this argumentative essay well enough that I start to take your side, then I will give you an A for the semester.
Student: Can I get that in writing?
Tutor: Sure [writes it and signs it].
Student: Sweet. I’m head of the debate team, you know.
101 Braddock Road
Frostburg, Maryland
Overheard by: can’t wait to see how this one turns out…
Diner: Why is it that whenever ‘sour cream’ appears on your menu, it has an asterisk beside it?
Waiter, condescendingly: Because those dishes have sour cream in them.
800 Block, Rockville Pike
Rockville, Maryland
Overheard by: Doctor Whom
