Money

Okay, Everybody Charge Things to This Dude!

Cashier: … And do you have your Hudson’s Bay credit card with you today?
Gangster #1: My what?
Cashier: HBC credit card. It’s gold.
Gangster #1: Oh, yeah, man. I think so. Uhhh… Is this it?
Cashier: No, that’s your MasterCard. I’m looking for the HBC card, if you have it.
Gangster #1: Oh, yeah, man, HBC! They always be sendin’ me bills in the mail and shit, you know, and I don’t even know why!
Gangster #2: Dude, that’s HSBC. That’s the bank.
Gangster #1: Oh.
Gangster #2: You don’t even know the difference, do you?
Gangster #1: Not really. So, like, one has an S and one doesn’t have an S, right? Is that it?
Gangster #2: No, it’s completely different.
Gangster #1: Well, so what, man? I still gotta pay the bills whether it has an S or whether it don’t have an S, right?

Zellers Lansdowne Mall
Richmond, British Columbia
Canadia

And I Won’t Read to the Blind Either! They’ve Got Braille!

Suit #1: Hey, you always participate in the office Volunteer Day events. You did the March of Dimes Walk earlier this year. Are you going to paint the homeless shelter next month?
Suit #2: No. I did the March of Dimes Walk because the babies can’t walk it. The homeless can paint their own shelter.

32nd Street
Jersey City, New Jersey

Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer

Now Here Are Some Condoms and a Hole Punch…

CFO: Our budget has been balanced the last few years because of unpaid maternity leaves, and we are working that into our models for coming years.
Committee member: So our financial solvency is based on people in the company having sex?
CFO: Basically.

Klaipeda
Lithuania

And I Can Start Drinking Overtime

Man, buying lottery ticket in liquor store: If I win this, the old lady can cut back to part time.

725 W. Golf Road
Hoffman Estates, Illinois

Overheard by: I didn’t win either

The Cops Are Helpless As Long As We Call Them ‘Delis’

Guy: I was at this one place last night where I paid an extra $10 to get a tossed salad at 3am. What a great deli.

Wilton, Connecticut

Overheard by: Derek Paruolo

It’s the Fifty-First!

Clerk: Ma’am I can’t take this money.
Lady: Why not? It’s good American money.
Clerk: Ma’am this money is from Canada.
Lady: Is Canada not the 50th state of the U.S. or are you stupid or something?
Clerk: I’m not the one that’s stupid.

13697 W. Colonial Drive
Winter Garden, Florida

A Recent Graduate of Turnip Truck University

Employee: I’d like to work the booth. I could be good at that. I’d like to travel, and go to trade shows.
Manager: You’d have to educate yourself so you can speak to clients about what we do here. You’d also have to work some weekends.
Employee: Do I get paid?
Manager: You get travel for free – meals, hotel, airfare.
Employee: Wow.
Manager: And of course your regular paycheck.
Employee: Is this scheme widely known in the company??

Rochelle Park
New Jersey

He’s Also Been Divorced for Three Years But Doesn’t Know It

Client: Why do I have financial charges? It was a plan for "same as cash" for eighteen months.
CSR: Well, sir, we sent you eighteen months of statements telling you that if you don’t pay by the due date, you’ll have financial charges to pay and exactly how much they would be.
Client: You expected me to read my mail?

Citibank
Toronto, Canada

Overheard by: Citi Slicker

Marx Predicted This

Little girl, to employee making a purchase: You can’t shop here! You’re supposed to work! You’re not people!

801 North Congress Avenue
Boynton Beach, Florida

He Should Ask to Speak to a Buddhist CSR, Fluent in the Language of Reincarnation

Heated caller: So let me understand this: if I die, I get $100,000?
CSS rep: No. If you pass, your beneficiary will receive $100,000.
Heated caller: But it is my money. I am paying the premium for it. I should be able to get my money. Why can’t I have my money?!
CSS rep: Because you will be dead, ma’am.
Heated caller: That’s ridiculous. I want to speak with a manager.

1 Sartan Way
Merrimack, New Hampshire

Overheard by: CSS Nightmare

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