Race

But the First Step Is Not Admitting You Have a Problem

Staffer: I just left Publix and my cashier’s name was Kartoon.
HR manager: Oh, yeah! My wife was telling me about her. Do you think her parents meant to name her ‘Khartoum,’ after the country in Africa?
Staffer: I don’t know. Maybe it’s just a popular name from her parents’ native country.
HR manager: Oh, you mean she’s not black?
Staffer: What? No, she’s Asian.
HR manager: Oh. Was I stereotyping just now?
Staffer: Ummm, yeah, a little bit… You are so in the right profession.

Office
Hilton Head, South Carolina

Always Playing the Wushu Card

White coworker: We should go on the walking trail after work sometime.
Asian coworker: Yeah, that sounds like fun!
White coworker: I would feel safer with you because no one would attack us because they would think you know kung-fu.
Asian coworker: [Silence.]

Fayetteville, Arkansas

Wait Until He Realizes They Aren’t Talking about Turkey

Chick: Who was that?
Guy: He works for one of our other brands. Isn’t he hot?
Chick: Very handsome. Is he Indian or black?
Guy: Black.
Chick: Dark meat’s the best.
Guy: I haven’t done that yet.
Chick: Really? You haven’t lived!

575 5th Avenue
New York, New York

Overheard by: Thompson

(Sob!) All Right, I Admit It, He’s Columbian!

Hispanic lady: My husband just called to let me know that he’s cooking dinner for me tonight — it’ll be ready when I get home.
Black guy: That’s bullshit. He’s just full of Budweiser, wantin’ you to come home and all.
Hispanic lady: My husband don’t drink no more!
Black guy: Bullshit!
Hispanic lady: No, really! He stopped drinking and smoking 10 years ago!
Black guy: Well, if he don’t drink then he ain’t no Mexican. That’s all they do!

Houston, Texas

Rent Mean Girls and Adjust the Contrast?

Teacher #1: I really need a video to show my kids after they finish their final. Do you have one I could borrow?
Teacher #2: Oh? Well, let’s see… What were you thinking about?
Teacher #1: Have anything with angsty kids? Oooh, especially angsty black kids? They love those.

Alabama

Overheard by: Saving the drama for my momma

Mengele’s Genetic Experiments Finally Bear Fruit

Engineer: Is your boss in? We have a problem — we have a little Aryan friend up on the second floor.
QA tech: No, he’s on vacation… Wait — we have what?
Engineer: A little Aryan friend flying around on the second floor.
QA tech: … Ohhh — ‘avian.’
Engineer: Yeah, what did I say?

Modesto, California

Overheard by: That’s not my job.

While I’m a Cornell Grad

White customer pointing at Filipino bag boy: Is he black, or is he white?! I just can’t tell…
Cashier: Um, he’s Filipino.
White customer: I don’t care what religion he is, I just wanna know his race.
Cashier: He’s Filipino.
White customer: No wonder you’re just a cashier.

Piggly Wiggly
Farmville, North Carolina

What I Meant to Say Was I’m Pro Racial Segregation

Girl: I don’t know, I just hate it when they mixed the coloreds and the whites.
Random passerby: What?
Girl, loudly: What? Ohhh! I mean Christmas lights! I swear. I like houses that are all decorated the same way.
Friend: Just stop talking.
Girl: I am such a dipshit.

43 Leonard Street
Belmont, Massachusetts

Overheard by: i was confused too

We Won’t Be at Work on That Day, Smart Guy

Black coworker: Oh, it’s Hanukkah! That’s why I keep seeing so many Jews around.
Jewish coworker: What the fuck? You just wait until Martin Luther King day and see what I say to you…

42nd Street and Park Avenue
New York, New York

There’s a Rumor They’re All Cylons

Coworker: Tell the intern to do that.
Boss: The intern? She has a name.
Coworker: You know who I meant.
Boss: It’s Rebecca*! Let’s not be racist.
Coworker: Interns aren’t a race!

Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California

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