Deputy: There was a wreck this weekend where a guy hit a tree at 60 miles per hour. Ripped off the right side of his head. You could actually see inside his skull. We never could find his brain, though.
Project manager: Did it kill him?
IT dude: Nope, he is walking around, managing projects.
US Highway 69/75
Oklahoma
Overheard by: Firewall
Boss: I went to school with this guy…I don’t remember his name, but he just became the president of some real estate development company in DC. Can you look him up on the internet? I’d like to send him a note.
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: office minion
Boss: I found this [correspondence dated a week ago] in my inbox, waiting for my signature. It was Bill Smith’s* estate tax return! Why didn’t you tell me to check my inbox?? There’s all kinds of stuff in there that hasn’t gone out. You have to come up with a way for me to check my inbox more regularly so things like this don’t happen again!
Secretary: Um, ok? Do you want me to set Outlook reminders that you’ll ignore, or would you like to ignore me personally?
900 East Hill Avenue
Knoxville, Tennessee
Overheard by: She’s Not Psychic
Manager: Ok, I don’t mean to sound weird, but…
Receptionist #1: Oh, this is gonna be good.
Manager: I was at Starbucks on the 4th of July, and…it was all Asians! It was an Asian invasion! They were everywhere! I was going to ask if they were having a family reunion. Then someone else walked in the door, and [my 14-year-old daughter] nudged me, and it was another Asian! I’ve told [my daughter], “Ok, you can marry a Muslim! A black! A Jew! Just don’t bring home an Asian!” They travel in packs and take pictures! And they are the worst drivers! Any time you see a bad driver swerving, weaving in and out of lanes? Asian! But, I mean, my tennis partner is Asian, so…
Receptionist #1: Becky*, you’re a racist!
Manager: I’m not a racist…just to Asians!
An Asian client walks in.
Receptionist #2: Hi, Mr. Wong*!
4020 NE 55th Street
Seattle, Washington
Supervisor: Can you print me out a label that says “If it’s Tuesday, oil me”?
545 North 15th Street
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Overheard by: KJean
Boss on phone with IT: How do I see my future emails?
1246 Princeton Street
Akron, Ohio
VP : So tell me again, why should she get a raise?
Director: She’s been with us fifteen years, just completed her Masters and has made a lot of money for us the last 10 years.
VP: Listen, we don’t give out raises for people who do a good job. You’ve gotta have a better reason than that.
1600 East Wendover Avenue
Greensboro, North Carolina
Overheard by: Tom Duehring
Boss: When you tie something around your mouth so that you can’t make sound, what’s that called?
Trainee: What?
Boss: Like if somebody is tied up and you put a rag in their mouth, what’s that called?
Trainee: A gag?
Boss: How is that spelled?
Trainee: Uhhh…G-A-G.
Boss: How about gagged? Like, somebody is bound and gagged.
Trainee: G-A-G-G-E-D…what the hell?
Boss: It’s all part of your training.
550 Eagles Landing Parkway
Stockbridge, Georgia
Operations manager: We have to work on communication. We are not communicating with each other. It’s a fault of everybody’s, not to say it’s a fault, but it is a weakness — not just of mine but of everyone’s. Maybe not a weakness so much as a failing.
1190 North Del Rio Place
Ontario, California
Boss: Where is Luke*?
Assistant: He took a day off. His brother got meningitis.
Boss: That’s a bitch. If his brother doesn’t die he will be a complete idiot for the rest of his life.
Assistant: How you know that?
Boss: I had it as a child.
101 North Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
