Worker: [Bryan]’s sick today; he IMed me and said he needs one of us to come to his house and give him a sponge bath.

1831 Chestnut Street
St. Louis, Missouri

Co-worker: I found three turds this morning. Do we have someone who comes and takes care of that?

2320 West Highway 76
Branson, Missouri

IT #1: Okay, I’ll set up one of my extra workstations and get a wireless card for it.
IT #2: Can you get a card easily?
IT #1: Oh sure, they’re only about 50 bucks. I can get petty cash.
Manager: So we have to go through you. Why can’t [Claude] get it?
IT #2: Because I have to go through too many layers of management and red tape.
Manager: For an old computer and a $50 card?
IT #1: Yeah, this place is like a prison. It’s all about who can trade cigarettes for a sharp shiv.
Manager: Or who’s around when you drop the soap…

525 Rudder Road
Fenton, Missouri

Boss to employee: I mean, it's not rocket scientists.

Springfield, Missouri

Guy #1: Have you ever thought about a vagina being like an “inverted” penis?
Guy #2: No.
Guy #1, continuing anyways: That way, if you were to “hit bottom” on a girl, that would mean that your penis was technically “bigger” than hers.
Guy #2: I want to kill myself for having been involved in this conversation.

Joplin, Missouri

Employee girl: Hey, can I have your pickle again today?
Employee guy: I was wondering when you were going to ask for it. Where do you want it?
Employee girl: Here is fine. (to receptionist) I always eat his pickle.

St. Louis, Missouri

Overheard by: Cubicle Dweller

Male boss, on phone with male contractor: I'm tellin' ya, man. I need nine inches!

Wentzville, Missouri

Receptionist, puzzled: This is really dry. I guess all the juice is in my box.

St. Louis, Missouri

Overheard by: Ian

Worker #1: Ohmigod! I was typing a letter and I was typing really fast and instead of typing “tots” I typed “tits”!
Worker #2, underwhelmed: Really? That's funny.
Worker #1: No, really!! I typed “tits,” like t-i-t-s, at least I think that's how you spell it.

Jefferson City, Missouri

Office grunt: I was just going to jerk them off but I figured it would be best to ask first.

Kansas City, Missouri

Overheard by: wes