Threats

Can’t Wait ‘Til He Puts on the Darth Vader Mask and Tells the Baby He’s Her Father

Woman #1: Hey! Look at you! I didn’t know you were back from maternity leave.
Woman #2: Yeah, I just came back yesterday.
Woman #1: I saw the pictures you emailed. She’s adorable. I remember you were worried about labor. How’d it go?
Woman #2: Not too bad, actually. Kind of what I expected. Although I punched my husband and threatened divorce during the worst of it.
Woman #1: Are you serious? What did he do?
Woman #2: Right when my contractions were about two minutes apart, he got nervous and attempted to distract me. So he kept making that ooohbah, ooohbah noise that those robot things made in Revenge of the Sith.
Woman #1: Omigod! I know what you’re talking about. What a jerk! That’s so funny, though.
Woman #2: Yeah, I know. We laugh about it now. But at the time I punched him in the stomach and called him a bastard. I told him if he opened his mouth again even to cough, we were getting a divorce. Poor guy wouldn’t even talk to the nurses after that.

777 Eisenhower Parkway
Ann Arbor, Michigan

Arguably Better Than the Customary Poo-Throwing

Coworker #1: Sometimes when I walk by, I just stand here and watch you like you're in the zoo.
Coworker #2: My cage is open. I'm gonna freaking maul your ass.

Kirkland, Washington

Will You Wear Your Corset and Shiny Black Boots Again?

HR woman on phone with rep at staffing agency: I will drive over there and I will smack you; and then I will fire you in front of your peers.

Marlborough, Massachusetts

Overheard by: Anony Mouse

Career Tip: No Grillz in the Office, Dear Reader

Female suit #1: And after that, I told him that he can do whatever he wants, but in that case we are never kissing again.
Female suit #2: Some lines just shouldn't be crossed.

Oklahoma City, Oklahoma

Overheard by: Remex

When Excel Just Isn’t Enough

Accountant: Be right back. I have to go buy an ax.

East Lancaster Avenue
Downingtown, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: marianoelle

My Escalatude Will Be Mighty!

Angry suit: If you can’t get this done I’m gonna escalate it! I don’t know to whom, or how, but I’m gonna escalate it!

Charlotte, North Carolina

Overheard by: Good Luck With That

PETA May Have Gone Too Far This Time

Bimbette coworker: They’re gonna skin your mother-in-law and give it to a zebra!

860 Broadway
New York, New York

Overheard by: Confabulation Nation

Needless to Say, the White one is Whole Foods

Classmate #1: I’m gonna shave your head and sell your hair on the black market!
Classmate #2: Why would black people want his hair?
Classmate #3, after laughter subsides: Where is the black market, anyway?

Mt. Vernon High School
Mt. Vernon, Texas

Do You Really Think Colonel Mustard Would Do That?

Assistant editor: She said she’s going to come over and hit you in the head with a pretzel.

1633 Broadway
New York, New York

Someone Had to Tell the CEO

Woman across the hall: You’re going to jail. You’re going to jail. You’re going to jail. You’re going to jail. You’re going to jail.

3811 O’Hara Street
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

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