Human Resources

White HR director: I’ve never touched someone’s head like that before! I touched it, and it was all wavy. I told him, you’re the first African‐American person’s head I’ve ever touched. You should feel honored.

8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland

Overheard by: Just an office girl…

Contracts officer: Frankly, I think she’ll be tickled shitless…I could have said she’d be shittled titless, but I thought that would be offensive.
HR lady: This meeting has now offically gone on too long.

1010 North Glebe Road
Arlington, Virginia

HR Guru: The only person you can change is yourself–
Infidel: I keep trying that, but she’s still being a bitch!

2025 E St, NW
Washington, DC

Overheard by: Bendystraw

Human resources rep, bringing in files: I am the depositor of things to be scanned!
Peon: I don’t like you.
Human resources rep: Hahaha! I don’t like you, either.

Bayonne, New Jersey

HR clerk: He got so excited and he crapped all over himself.
Receptionist, laughing: Did Jim [manager] do that again?
Hr clerk: Uh, no, I was talking about my new puppy.
Receptionist: Oh, forget what I just said. Please forget! I was supposed to forget.

Pearl, Mississippi

Overheard by: Brain Dancing

HR: Okay [Jen], here is your six month review. You are doing excellent work, we couldn’t be happier, you adapt especially well to change and keep this office running like a tight ship. We have put you in for a substantial raise.
VP: We have come to the decision that we will be closing this office. Everyone’s last day of work will be December 31st
HR: –and here are your severance packages.

238 Bedford Street
Lexington, Massachusetts

HR rep to boss: You might have to do the down‐and‐dirty thing.

Dallas, Texas

Boss, about hot applicant for receptionist post: We can’t hire her.
HR: Why not?
Boss: She’ll get me in trouble.
HR: Just because you are on a diet doesn’t mean you can’t look at the menu…
Boss: Diet? More like a fast.

St. Louis, Missouri

Female HR manager: I got so drunk last night, I slept in just my socks!
Disinterested female coworker: Ummm, good for you?
Female HR manager: It’s one of my levels of drunkenness. It means I’m really drunk.
Disinterested female coworker: Okay.
Female HR manager: You know why I picked this long dress to wear today?
Disinterested female coworker: Ummm, no, why?
Female HR manager, proudly: Because I could skip the underwear!
Horrified female coworker: (silence)
Female HR manager: I think I might still be drunk.
Horrified female coworker: I’m starting to wish I was.

Great Valley, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: everybody has their freak flag

Manager #1, during performance review: We would have fired you, but we missed the deadline to submit the paperwork.
Manager #2: So by default you are now an employee.
HR rep, under breath: We are so getting sued.

Manhattan, New York

Overheard by: unleaded