White HR director: I’ve never touched someone’s head like that before! I touched it, and it was all wavy. I told him, you’re the first African‐American person’s head I’ve ever touched. You should feel honored.
8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Just an office girl…
Contracts officer: Frankly, I think she’ll be tickled shitless…I could have said she’d be shittled titless, but I thought that would be offensive.
HR lady: This meeting has now offically gone on too long.
1010 North Glebe Road
Arlington, Virginia
HR Guru: The only person you can change is yourself–
Infidel: I keep trying that, but she’s still being a bitch!
2025 E St, NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Bendystraw
Human resources rep, bringing in files: I am the depositor of things to be scanned!
Peon: I don’t like you.
Human resources rep: Hahaha! I don’t like you, either.
Bayonne, New Jersey
HR clerk: He got so excited and he crapped all over himself.
Receptionist, laughing: Did Jim [manager] do that again?
Hr clerk: Uh, no, I was talking about my new puppy.
Receptionist: Oh, forget what I just said. Please forget! I was supposed to forget.
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
HR: Okay [Jen], here is your six month review. You are doing excellent work, we couldn’t be happier, you adapt especially well to change and keep this office running like a tight ship. We have put you in for a substantial raise.
VP: We have come to the decision that we will be closing this office. Everyone’s last day of work will be December 31st–
HR: –and here are your severance packages.
238 Bedford Street
Lexington, Massachusetts
HR rep to boss: You might have to do the down‐and‐dirty thing.
Dallas, Texas
Boss, about hot applicant for receptionist post: We can’t hire her.
HR: Why not?
Boss: She’ll get me in trouble.
HR: Just because you are on a diet doesn’t mean you can’t look at the menu…
Boss: Diet? More like a fast.
St. Louis, Missouri
Female HR manager: I got so drunk last night, I slept in just my socks!
Disinterested female coworker: Ummm, good for you?
Female HR manager: It’s one of my levels of drunkenness. It means I’m really drunk.
Disinterested female coworker: Okay.
Female HR manager: You know why I picked this long dress to wear today?
Disinterested female coworker: Ummm, no, why?
Female HR manager, proudly: Because I could skip the underwear!
Horrified female coworker: (silence)
Female HR manager: I think I might still be drunk.
Horrified female coworker: I’m starting to wish I was.
Great Valley, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: everybody has their freak flag
Manager #1, during performance review: We would have fired you, but we missed the deadline to submit the paperwork.
Manager #2: So by default you are now an employee.
HR rep, under breath: We are so getting sued.
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: unleaded
