United States

Employee, loudly and angrily into walkie: I am implementing customer service now!

620 6th Avenue
New York, New York

Overheard by: Tigertail

White HR director: I’ve never touched someone’s head like that before! I touched it, and it was all wavy. I told him, you’re the first African-American person’s head I’ve ever touched. You should feel honored.

8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland

Overheard by: Just an office girl…

Professor: America is a melting pot.
Dude: America is not a melting pot… It’s more of a Lunchable. We are all in the same place, but we keep to our own little compartments.

1906 College Heights Boulevard
Bowling Green, Kentucky

Overheard by: hyacinth_hunter

Sales guy: Oh, crap! I left the cap off my Sharpie last night! [Tries it on paper] Oh, no! What can I do?!
Cube rat #1: Well, you could try running a little water over the tip. Or, um, you could just throw it away and get a new one.
Sales guy: Put some water on it? Would that work?
Cube rat #2: Is it a Sharpie or a marker?
Cube rat #3: If putting water on it doesn’t work, try licking it.

8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina

Older gentleman at counter: So, if my application is approved for the remote entry program, I can enter the U.S. after hours?
Customs officer: Yes, sir.
Older gentleman: But what’s with this border passport requirement?
Customs officer, uncomfortable: The remote entry pass is for when the port is closed, sir. You will still need a passport to enter when we are open.

Customs office, Northern Border

Bible-thumping coworker: It’s my son’s 35th birthday today. I can’t believe my oldest is going to be 35.
Normal coworker: Oh? How many children do you have?
Bible-thumping coworker: Let’s see… I have three biological and one spiritual. But we’re much more than spiritual, really. It’s like we have this connection.
Normal coworker, to herself: Riiiiight.

100 Main Street
Cincinnati, Ohio

Lady peon: What do you call those cows that you eat?

114 New Street
Atlanta, Georgia

Overheard by: russ

Minion: Do you seriously want to go off on a Chinese hamster ovary tangent? I mean, who gives a crap?

1959 NE Pacific Street
Seattle, Washington

Overheard by: snickerpants

Coworker: I’m lucky I wasn’t raised by my mother. I’d have turned out a total slut. She’d wear high heels to her job at the sawmill.

Portland, Oregon

Overheard by: Innocent Bystander

Cube rat #1: Damn, you had braces for seven years and your teeth are still that fucked up?
Cube rat #2: Yeah? You’ve been on a diet for two years and your ass is still that fat?

Trenton, New Jersey