Homeowner answering telephone: Hola.
Telemarketer, in broken English: I am calling to tell you about a new calling plan…
Homeowner: No habla Ingles.
Telemarketer: Do you speak English?
Homeowner: No habla Ingles.
Telemarketer, speaking very slowly: Then I will speak English very slowly to you.
Homeowner: No habla Ingles, adios.
921 South Irby Street
Florence, South Carolina
Overheard by: Dun Ben Ther
Maintenance tech #1: Animal Control is on the way to remove the dead skunk carcass. I’ll let you know when they get here.
Maintenance tech #2: Uh, go ahead and call them back and tell them not to come. We checked it out and it’s a used banana peel.
Maintenance tech #1: Ten-four.
6400 Legacy Drive
Plano, Texas
Overheard by: Shaking Head
Administrator: Here’s my theory on drunk driving: People get caught drunk driving because they never learned how to drive drunk when they were kids.
1445 Ross Avenue
Dallas, Texas
Interviewer: Tell me about a time when you had to decide something quickly.
Applicant: When I quit my last job. Just one day, I’d had enough.
Interviewer: So…you didn’t give notice.
Applicant: It’s not like they didn’t know it was coming. They laid off a bunch of people later.
Interviewer: What do you think are your greatest strengths?
Applicant: I’m reliable. Very dependable.
301 Industrial Boulevard
Conway, Arkansas
Overheard by: Denise
Fat lady: I want your 21-piece bucket of chicken.
Rude employee: Is that for here, or to go?
Fat lady: You think I can eat this whole thing by myself?
Rude employee: I don’t know your life. Bitch!
1406 Saint Charles Avenue
New Orleans, Louisiana
Coworker on phone: Honest? I am very honest. I am also very loyal to the company I work for. I give 110% to them every day.
Pause
Coworker on phone: Sure, I can interview with you tomorrow morning.
730 International Parkway
Richardson, Texas
Overheard by: El Gee
Woman on speaker system: I have a guy by the balls in the toy department that could use some assistance.
23561 Highway 59
Porter, Texas
Worker #1: I guess worst case scenario is they call me in for an interview, then shoot me, and kick my dead corpse in the balls.
Worker #2: Yeah. That would be worst case.
3908 Avenue B
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Server King
Matthew McConaughey’s mother: I wish you were Woody Harrelson. He always has better pot than you.
Patrick McConaughey: I fucking hate you too, mom. [out the window] Hey babe… don’t you know who I am?
Matthew: You people bring me down.
Backseat of the car I was driving
Austin, Texas
Coworker #1: I asked for the parts manager, and she said ‘Jerry.’ I said, ‘Terry?’ And she said ‘No, J, as in Jerry.’
Coworker #2: That’s ridiculous.
Coworker #1: Well, she’s in California.
11149 Research Boulevard
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: HellKitty_01
