Matthew McConaughey’s mother: I wish you were Woody Harrelson. He always has better pot than you.

Patrick McConaughey: I fucking hate you too, mom. [out the window] Hey babe… don’t you know who I am?

Matthew: You people bring me down.

Backseat of the car I was driving
Austin, Texas

Coworker #1: I asked for the parts manager, and she said ‘Jerry.’ I said, ‘Terry?’ And she said ‘No, J, as in Jerry.’
Coworker #2: That’s ridiculous.
Coworker #1: Well, she’s in California.

11149 Research Boulevard
Austin, Texas

Overheard by: HellKitty_01

Professor: America is a melting pot.
Dude: America is not a melting pot… It’s more of a Lunchable. We are all in the same place, but we keep to our own little compartments.

1906 College Heights Boulevard
Bowling Green, Kentucky

Overheard by: hyacinth_hunter

CSR on phone: Help desk, this is James*.
[pause] CSR: I am sorry, this is the PC and phone help desk. Sounds like you need the facilities help desk if a toilet is stopped up.
[pause] CSR: Okay sir, I understand, but you need facilites, not the help desk.
[long pause] CSR: Okay, is it a Windows toilet or a Unix toilet?
Customer, now on speakerphone: Well, there are no windows in this bathroom, so I guess it must be a Unix toilet.
CSR: Okay, I will get a Unix toilet specialist there as soon as we can. Which building and bathroom is it?
[pause] CSR: Thanks.
[CSR hangs up] CSR back on phone: Hello, facilities? This is James at the PC help desk. Yeah, I have a doozy for you…try not to laugh…

730 International Parkway
Richardson, Texas

Overheard by: El Gee

Manager: So, I need to ship something to Belgium. Belgium is in the Netherlands, right?

15585 Highway 11 N
Cottondale, Alabama

Overheard by: BAMA

Sales guy: Oh, crap! I left the cap off my Sharpie last night! [Tries it on paper] Oh, no! What can I do?!
Cube rat #1: Well, you could try running a little water over the tip. Or, um, you could just throw it away and get a new one.
Sales guy: Put some water on it? Would that work?
Cube rat #2: Is it a Sharpie or a marker?
Cube rat #3: If putting water on it doesn’t work, try licking it.

8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina

Dude: I don’t know — I just don’t trust that North Korea isn’t going to keep testing those narcotic bombs.

9070 Junction Drive
Annapolis Junction, Maryland

Developer: “I’m sorry I gave you herpes.” They have a card for everything.

8920 Pershall Avenue
Hazelwood, Missouri

Teller: I haven’t decided yet if I’m going to see The Da Vinci Code. I want to see it, but if I do I’ll feel like I’m. . . supporting. You know?
Bank AVP: . . . Supporting?
Teller: The Devil!

Long pause

Bank AVP: Tom Hanks is the devil?

48 Clifty Kirkmansville Road
Clifty, Kentucky

Secretary: You know, those wireless headsets have been a boon for the homeless.

Fort Worth, Texas

Overheard by: mmhmmm