Office guy: It's for the masonic center, don't fuck it up.
Office girl: Yeah, I hear they will cut a bitch.

Grand Rapids, Michigan

Long Island secretary #1: She's old.
Long Island secretary #2: Some people just live too long.
Long Island secretary #1: She'll die soon.
Long Island secretary #2: She'll die when I kill her.

Manhattan, New York

Overheard by: stayingonmysideoftheoffice

Attorney on phone: Well, I’m really sorry you’re going to jail. But you still need to pay our bill.

110 North Washington Street
Rockville, Maryland

Overheard by: Odd

Police officer, taking initial report on phone: So your stereo was stolen from your vehicle in the hospital parking lot last night? (pause) Okay, sir, I'll get someone out to you to take the report. And sir, I'll be working the security at the hospital tonight and I promise that while I'm on duty no one will steal your stereo out of your car.(laughs) Because it's already been stolen.

Zachary, Louisiana

Coworker: I was settling in for a little infidelity, and instead I got rape! But it was good.

163 Freelon Street
San Francisco, California

Overheard by: Eve S. Dropper

Counter girl: Did I tell you I almost got locked up last night?
Male customer: Fo’ what?
Counter girl: I took my homegirl’s car and rode over to my baby daddy’s momma house. Po-lice got me going through a light. I was like, “Shit, man, I got weed and a rock in my joint, and my shit’s suspended, yo.”
Male customer: That’s some Cops shit, girl!
Girl: Fo’ reals…But I worked my way out with a warning, got my baby, went home, and smoked that shit.

11th Street & F Street
Washington, DC

Overheard by: suddenly not hungry

T-shirt: Why are you wearing a suit?
Suit: I had court this morning.
T-shirt: Traffic Court? Did you pay a fine?
Suit: Yeah, Traffic Court. The fine was five hundred dollars.
T-shirt: You should have worn a different suit. That one looks like it cost about forty dollars.
Suit: I paid seven hundred dollars for this.
T-shirt: You got ripped off.
Suit: Well whoever’s been giving you that piece of shit baseball brim haircut the last year has been ripping you off.
T-shirt: I wear a toupee.

2211 N. First Street
San Jose, California

Overheard by: daimaoh

Guy on phone with his mom: I think if an axe murderer breaks in, he'll already have an axe.

Stratford, Connecticut

Overheard by: Deek

Office worker on phone: Sharice* is the ultimate fly girl. Except for getting arrested in Miami.

Manhattan, New York

Overheard by: Class Warrior

Orientation presenter: In all the code fives I've responded to over the years, there's only been one that involved a weapon. But if you hear “code five lobby” announced overhead, and then you hear shots fired, don't go into the lobby!

Albany General Hospital
Albany, Oregon

Overheard by: Naomi