Drinking

Boss: I don't know if it's because she was black, and I'm not used to hiring black people, but I just didn't get a good feeling from her.
Sales guy: Yeah, plus, her eyes were kind of red.
Boss: A black alcoholic. That's just what we need.

Los Angeles, California

Cubicle dweller to another: We should have carpooled in together today so that you could drive me home drunk.

Dallas, Texas

Guy #1: If you lost my knife, so help me god you owe me $14.99. Plus shipping and handling.
Guy #2: Okay, so…we'll just deduct that from the eighty bucks you already owe me?
Guy #1: Statute of limitations. That bet was, like, five months ago.
Guy #2: Yeah, and we agreed that you'd owe me interest if you didn't pay me…
Guy #1 (incredulous): Interest? Was I *drunk*?
Guy #2: Well, it was at 8 am on a Tuesday. So you never know.

Stamford, Connecticut

Overheard by: Dave Eugene

Soldier #1: Sir, are you going to do anything while on leave?
Lieutenant, sitting in the one shady spot in the blazing heat: Yeah, I think me and my cousin are going to get some fuckin beers, get all smashed, go out and get tattoos. It's gonna be cool shit. Grab some brews, bitches…way cool.
Soldier #2, walking up: Yeah? Are you going to get a tattoo of a penis on your forehead, dickhead?
(shocked silence)
Lieutenant (thoughtful): Naw…fuck that.

Iraq

Overheard by: TK- soldier#3 almost peed stopping from laughing

Office lady: How can you drink that much Red Bull?
Computer nerd: I don’t know, you build up a tolerance.
Office lady: If I drank that much I’d be whacking off the walls.
Computer nerd: Umm, you’d do what?

117th St
Broomfield, Colorado

Overheard by: The other nerd

Office lady, slurring speech while talking to herself: I'm not drunk; I'm just realistic.

Elmsford, New York

Tourist woman: You know, honey, you should drink more. We're at a high elevation. You don't drink enough.
Visibly drunk tourist man: What are you talking about? I drink all the time! I drink a ton. I was just drinking… It's just not water.

Old Faithful Village
Yellowstone National Park, Wyoming

Overheard by: a ranger who is wondering why she works here

Female coworker #1: By that time I was drunk enough to run in there myself. So I bought one of 'em. It was like a regular condom, but it had these little pink things…
Female coworker #2: You bought a french tickler?
Female coworker #1: Yeah! So we blew it up at our table and started using it as a volleyball. It was really fun for a while, and then I spiked it into the priest's head and we were asked to leave the reception.

Albany, New York

Overheard by: Doubled over Coworker

CSR to coworker: I don't really understand sororities. I've always been able to make friends, get drunk and have random sex without having to pay dues.

Nashville, Tennessee

Bar patron #1: You gonna have another drink?
Bar patron #2: No, I gotta get home before mid-life.

36th Avenue and Arctic Boulevard
Anchorage, Alaska

Overheard by: thinking it was already too late