Co-worker: I’m like a dead person wrapped in a living person. It’s like a pigs-in-a-blanket, except made out of dead people and living people.
631 King Edward Avenue
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
Female clerk: Did you eat yet?
Male clerk: Yeah, I’ve been here since 1:30.
Female clerk: Ooh! Then can I lint-brush you?
Convenience Store
Brighton, Massachusetts
Sweaty, middle-aged man in running shorts: Hey,wait! Hey, wait! How old are you two?
Young business woman #1: Why?
Sweaty, middle-aged man in running shorts: I just wanted ask one of you out, but I can’t tell how old you are under your sunglasses.
Young business woman #2: Umm…no. We’re working.
Sweaty, middle-aged man: Oh, never mind.
2825 Eastlake Avenue East
Seattle, Washington
Girl on cell: Let me tell you, there is nothing quite like liquid nitrogen to the vagina…
Outside clinic, Boylston Street
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Keeping My Legs Closed
Co-worker: I think from now on, I’m going to speak in the third person about myself, and I’ll call myself “Angry Chinese clam.” Angry Chinese clam is most displeased with your actions.
120 North La Salle
Chicago, Illinois
IT guy: Oh, good I’m back to the top of your favorite people list.
Sales assistant: What? William* the hot A/C guy got bumped down?
IT guy: William’s gone; he’s off the list.
Sales guy: Isn’t William a gerbil?
Sales assistant: That’s my gerbil! We’re talking about the A/C guy now.
Sales guy: Ask Peter* about gerbil; he likes ’em.
IT guy: Ed breeds the gerbils.
Sales guy: I breed them just for you. Hairless, clawless gerbils.
Peter: Edsgerbils.com!
Sales guy: You don’t want one with claws..
Peter: Go to Edsgerbils.com to get your hairless gerbils.
Sales guy: Don’t forget clawless… you don’t want one with claws.
Office Manager: Stop with the gerbils.
Sales guy, to himself: No… don’t want one with claws….
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
Coworker #1: Are you bringing something tomorrow?
Coworker #2: Yeah, but I’m not sure what. Everyone is so hard to please.
Coworker #1: I know. I want to make that pasta dish I told you about, but it has a lot of vegetables. I have to find out who likes what, and what they don’t like. It’d be easier to kill everyone instead.
12300 Olive Boulevard
St. Louis, Missouri
Maniac: Come in, I won’t bite anymore.
Worker: …Won’t bite…anymore?
Maniac: I usedta work at a veternarian. He usedta lock me up with the animals in a cage! When they’d bark, the only way to get them to stop was to bark at them. And bite them–on the ear!
708 Broadway elevator
New York, NY
Overheard by: Kevin Davidson
Worker: I will bring the estimate in to you once I have taken my medication! Geez!
830 5th Avenue
New York, NY
Guy: Hey, can you tell me how to get to Billings, Montana?
Desk clerk: Yeah, just go north on 95, then east on 90. That’s the best way to get there.
Guy: Thanks! I just got fired. I’m a carnie. Carnie!
Hillcrest
Moscow, Idaho
Overheard by: They have small hands.
