Speech pathologist: You have the lady in room 10, right?
Behavior medicine nurse: Oh, yeah! She's crazy, ain't she?

Burlington, North Carolina

Home health nurse: Good morning, Mr Smith*. May I take your blood pressure?
Alzheimer's patient: Well, I don't know! What'll you give me for it?

Buena Park, California

Overheard by: his pastor

Male nurse #1: I just thought of something. Wouldn’t it be so embarassing being a gynecologist? What’s your motivation? Man, that would just be so embarrassing.
Male nurse #2: Yeah, especially with your name, Dr. Beaver.

Geisinger Medical Center
Danville, Pennsylvania

Elderly patient: Go away, you cross-eyed slut!
Nurse: I'm not cross-eyed!

Hillsboro, Oregon

Doctor: Okay, so what are you having done today? Varicose veins?
Woman waiting for surgery: What? No. I'm having a port put in.
Nurse: A port? Well, you don't need a port for varicose veins.
Woman waiting for surgery: I know it's for my chemo.
Nurse: Oh, I get it now. I thought your form said “Cheerios.”


Woman holding inhaler: So I just cock it and suck on it?
Nurse: You might not want to put it just that way.

2955 Farnam Street
Omaha, Nebraska

Nurse to doctor: I mean, you've got to have something to live for.
Doctor to nurse: Yeah, you at least gotta be able to fuck somebody or piss somebody off.
Nurse to doctor: And from what I hear, you're great at both!

Springfield, Illinois

Overheard by: SWARD

Nurse to another nurse: So that’s how you get all those huge objects in your happy hole!

1600 SW Archer Road
Gainesville, Florida

Overheard by: SuperClerk

Nurse: Yeah, and she came in with a bandanna rotting inside her. Her brilliant boyfriend used it as a condom.
Girl #1: Dude! Sperm will soak right through that shit! He should have used a plastic bag or something. Maybe some Saran Wrap and a rubber band.
Girl #2: Seriously! What if she got pregnant?
Girl #1: The baby will come out with a doo-rag on its head, saying, ‘Whassup, Moms?!’

Saratoga & Kiely

Overheard by: People are sick

Doctor: Did you put the drugs in the drug room?
Nurse: No! I can’t find where they are supposed to go. Every time I try and find the drugs in that room I want to kill somebody!
Doctor: Please don’t. We shouldn’t be killing any more patients anyway.

250 West Bridge Street
Dublin, Ohio