Why “Employees Must Wash Hands” Signs Exist

Gay server #1: We’ll be meeting that non-lesbian who looks just like a guy.
Gay server #2: Dibs on her anus.
[pause]Gay server #1: It’s always about the anus with you, isn’t it?

Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana

Overheard by: Shatmandu

Posted on September 4, 2019
Body Parts, Compare and contrast, Coworkers, Employees, Friends, Gays and lesbians, Indiana, Physical Appearance, Places, Retail, Sexuality, Wishes

Like You’ve Never Stared at His Package?

Flustered bailiff: Ok, I sound a little obsessed with this woman I have zero connection to other than she had sex with the delivery guy my married co-worker has a crush on, but seriously, what a whore.

Hall of Justice
Sacramento, California

Overheard by: Administration

Posted on August 21, 2019
California, Default, Employees, Feelings, Gossip, Government, Insults, Places, Relationships, Sexuality

After Her Last Album’s Failure, Ms. Wilson Went into a Bit of a Slump

Guy: Hey, can you tell me how to get to Billings, Montana?
Desk clerk: Yeah, just go north on 95, then east on 90. That’s the best way to get there.
Guy: Thanks! I just got fired. I’m a carnie. Carnie!

Hillcrest
Moscow, Idaho

Overheard by: They have small hands.

Posted on July 22, 2019
Crazies, Employees, Geography & History, Idaho, Offers and requests, Places

I Was Thinking More in Terms Of Using It As Toilet Paper

Editor to writer: Do you want to talk about your cover story submission?
Writer: Not really.
Editor: Well, there are a couple of techniques we could use to improve it.
Writer: Is one of them leaving it the hell alone?

Augusta, Georgia

Posted on March 29, 2019
Advice, Comebacks, Georgia, Offers and requests, Places, Publishing, Questions, Writers and Editors

It’s Been Oolong Time Since I Embarrassed Myself Like That

Agent: Oh, now I remember why I don’t usually drink pee. It always makes me have to go to the washroom… Tea. Tea! I meant tea!… Fuck you all.

1616 27th Avenue Northeast
Calgary, Alberta, Canada

Overheard by: Didn’t believe him

Posted on March 16, 2019
Canadia, Coworkers, Places, Restroom, Words

No, You’ve Just Got Those Little Wings on Your Lapel

Customer: By chance, was your mom a flight attendant?
Employee: Why, do you think you’re my dad?

Costa Mesa, California

Overheard by: Still laughing now

Posted on January 14, 2019
California, Comebacks, Customers, Employees, Family, Places, Questions

Orthodox Dude in Peyes, Platform Hat, Black Three-Piece Suit: ‘What Did You Just Say?’

Cube dude: I don’t mean this to be harsh, but, you know, the Talmud wasn’t exactly written just to justify your fashion choices.

350 Madison Avenue
New York, New York

Posted on December 28, 2018
Coworkers, Gripes, New York, Physical Appearance, Places, Religion

I Was TRYING to Look at Kiddie Porn

Engineer, to the HR director: Just in case you get a phone call about it later, I wasn’t trying to look at gay porn on my computer.

Farmers Branch, Texas

Posted on October 28, 2018
Coworkers, Engineers, Internet, Lies, Places, Sexuality, Texas

And for Surprise Guests with Undiscriminating Palates

Coworker, after scavenging through lunch meeting leftovers: My sandwich didn’t look very fulfilling so I added some corned beef.
Fellow scavenger: Wait -there was corned beef in there?
Coworker: No, I keep some in my office for emergencies.

Cleveland, Ohio

Overheard by: Nook

Posted on September 5, 2018
Coworkers, Employees, Meals and Snacks, Meetings, Ohio, Places, Smart Employees

Please Hold It Up So I Can See It

CSR: Thank you for calling Widgets Inc.* How may I help you?
Customer: I’m calling about my bill.
CSR: OK, which bill are you calling about?
Customer: The one I received.

3445 North M-291 Highway
Independence, Missouri

Posted on August 29, 2018
Customer Service, Dumb Customers, General Idiocy, Missouri, On the phone, Places

Places