Gripes

There’s Nothing That Can’t Be Accomplished Through Sex and Dishonesty

Coed #1: He had told me not to do anything special for his birthday. He said to forget he was having a birthday at all. But then he came over, and I could tell that he was down.
Coed #2: Because it was his birthday, and he was thirty.
Coed #1: Yeah.
Coed #2: And he’s dating an eighteen-year-old.
Coed #1: Shut up. So then we had sex? And it wasn’t, like, the most amazing time, but I faked it. But, like, really over the top? And he was happy the rest of the day!

University & College Avenues
Tempe, Arizona

Overheard by: over 30

He Means It’s Inauthentically Trying to Be Like Soup Without Actually Being Soup

Customer: Excuse me, miss!
Waitress: Yes, sir?
Customer: My soup is too soupy.
Waitress: Well, I’m sorry, sir, if your soup is too soupy, but it is soup.

Point Pleasant, New Jersey

Overheard by: he deserved it

They’re Just Mad About the Whole ‘Canadia’ Thing

CEO: I read a study that said that 50% of Canadians disapprove of Americans.
Employee: Yeah, I guess they just don’t agree with many of the US’s recent actions.
CEO: No, it’s because they’re jealous of Americans.
Employee: Err, that’s perhaps a somewhat US-centric view…
CEO: I’ve been to Canada. I’ve seen it firsthand. They are very jealous of us.
Employee: Actually, now that you mention it, I’m surprised it was only 50%.

Frederick, Maryland

Overheard by: poj

Maybe Gidget Goes Pentecostal

Little girl, pointing at Ann Coulter’s Godless: Who’s that lady, daddy?
Dad: She’s some crazy lady who doesn’t know what she’s talking about.
Little girl: She looks like she should be in movies.
Dad: [Shocked silence]Little girl: But not very good movies.
Dad: Ha! That’s my girl.

Auntie’s Bookstore
402 West Main Avenue
Spokane, Washington

It’s Really More About Where They Land, Isn’t It?

Peon: I wanted to show you this order. I think someone dropped the ball.
Sales associate: Let’s see whose order it is…Oh, it’s Ryan’s*. And he’s out this week.
Peon: Uh-oh.
Sales associate: See what happens when you go on vacation? Your balls get dropped!

8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina

He Runs a Brothel

Supervisor: Different day, same shit.
Employee: That’s my favorite saying! “Different day, same shit.”
Supervisor: We probably shouldn’t swear; I don’t want to offend the customers.
Employee: Probably.
Supervisor: You know what my favorite saying is? “Fuck that!”

Mount Prospect, Illinois

What Would Jesus Eat?

Manager: You know, people a long time ago, people like Jesus, they weren’t fat.

2904 Rodeo Park Drive East
Santa Fe, New Mexico

Overheard by: in the office next door

Aren’t Asians Supposed to Be Smart?

Interviewer: Have you ever had to deal with rude or irate clients over the telephone?
Asian interviewee: Yes, at my last job I had to call the USA, and you know how rude they can be.
Interviewer: Yes, I know all too well, considering I am American and so is this company. This interview is now finished. Try not to hit my car on your way out of the parking lot…You know how Asians can’t drive!

Toronto, Ontario
Canadia

Overheard by: Elle (the other interviewer)

Nobody Who Says ‘Languish’ Would Ever Get Promoted in the US

Boss: So, I have a problem with giving you the job, even though I know you can do it.
Worker: What’s the issue?
Boss: You seem to be annoyed with us, and you’re not upbeat enough after what happened.
Worker: What happened is that I lived the values, delivered on everything, then the organization totally screwed me over, gave my job to someone else, and left me to languish for a year with no certainty about my future. Now you’re saying you can’t give me another job because you’ve been such dickheads?
Boss: I know it sounds bad.

388 George Street
Sydney, Australia

If We Don’t Get Married, the Terrorists Win

Female patient: Oh! You’re getting married next month?
Male patient: Trust me, you’re better off joining the Army and getting sent to Iraq.

Waiting room, East 49th Street
New York, New York

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