Gripes

Might Have Swallowed the Spring, the Way the Conversation’s Bouncing Around

Coworker #1: Well one time, I was eating here, and I found a piece of metal in my mouth! You know, a long thin piece. But bunched up. I chewed on it and it like exploded in my mouth. In my mouth! Can you believe it? It was all twisted or something. Coiled. Oh yeah. It was a spring! A spring! Anyway, I chewed on it and it like boinged in my mouth. Wait, wait, wait. Can you believe it? Boing, boing, boing! So I spit it out and look at it and think, ‘What the hell is this and what is it doing in my food?’ But really, can you believe it? Boinging all over the place!
Coworker #2: Ok. Enough already. You’re making me sick. It’s like having lunch with Roseanne Roseannadanna. Next you’ll be telling me about the time you found a toenail in your cheeseburger.
Coworker #1: Oh yeah. Wouldn’t that be great? Lunch with Roseanne. But she’s dead, you know. Cancer.
Coworker #2: Gilda Radner died of cancer.
Coworker #1: Who? Why are you always changing the subject?
Coworker #2: I’m eating at my desk.

1500 University Avenue
Madison University Hospital & Clinics Cafeteria
Madison, Wisconsin

Overheard by: Just lost my appetite

But the Pashmina Goats Are Fine with You Taking That Stuff, Because No Woman Wants a Beard

Employee #1: Yeah, so PETA has helped me understand the cruelty animals are subjected to by humans.
Employee #2: I’ve seen some of the videos. Heinous.
Employee #1: Like that shirt you’re wearing, it’s made of cotton, right? You shouldn’t be wearing it.
Employee #2: Huh? Why not?
Employee #1: It really hurts the sheep when they are shorn.

Bed Bath & Beyond
Cape Cod, Massachusetts

Overheard by: Debauched Angel

The Colombians Were Bidding Higher When the Market Closed

Receptionist: Thank you for calling Widgets Inc.* How may I help you?
Customer: I got a letter from my insurance company telling me to fill out a paper with my social security number on it and send it to you. Who are you?
Receptionist: We work with the government to help you with your appeal.
Customer: Oh. So you won’t be selling my social security number to anybody in Nigeria?
Receptionist: No, sir, not today.

50 Square Drive
Rochester, New York

Overheard by: We’ll sell it tomorrow

The Godfather: It Should Really Go at the Feet

Guy: Facedown in cement… it just doesn’t do you any good.

Applied Physics Lab
Maryland

Overheard by: scared

He’s Also Been Divorced for Three Years But Doesn’t Know It

Client: Why do I have financial charges? It was a plan for "same as cash" for eighteen months.
CSR: Well, sir, we sent you eighteen months of statements telling you that if you don’t pay by the due date, you’ll have financial charges to pay and exactly how much they would be.
Client: You expected me to read my mail?

Citibank
Toronto, Canada

Overheard by: Citi Slicker

I Dare You to Ask If He Has a Navel

Suit: Jim’s* door is locked. Is he not here?
Woman #1: No, his mother’s in the hospital.
Suit: Damn!
Woman #1: Not very synthetic, is he.

1500 John F. Kennedy Boulevard
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Not synthetic, very real

Marx Predicted This

Little girl, to employee making a purchase: You can’t shop here! You’re supposed to work! You’re not people!

801 North Congress Avenue
Boynton Beach, Florida

And Kindergartners Have Way Better Drugs

Mother: They’re trying to hold him back again. He’s been in preschool twice already. Preschoolers are dull and boring!

The Loop
Chicago, Illinois

Bimbo Breakthrough

Bimbo #1: I gotta go, I can’t be late to my class. It’s important.
Bimbo #2: What class?
Bimbo #1: Sociology. And by important, I mean I’m probably going to fail it.

1000 University Place
Newport News, Virginia

Solitaire Is a Conspiracy by the Black Man to Undermine White Productivity

Employee #1: Blacks, blacks everywhere! Stupid blacks! I can’t do anything with them. They just take over.
Employee #2: Cletus*, quit playing solitaire and do some work.

Downtown
Missoula, Montana

Overheard by: non-profit ninja

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