Substance Use & Abuse

Fetus: What Are You Lookin’ At?

Receptionist: Oh, I forgot today was Friday the 13th. I do pay attention to that, because I was in a bad car accident in high school on a Friday the 13th.
HR assistant: So no going out and drinking tonight, then?
Receptionist (bemusedly): Well…
HR assistant: You’ll just stay home and drink, right?
Receptionist: (laughs) Yeah, that’s when you know you’re an alcoholic, when you stay home and drink.
HR assistant: And you’re pregnant.
Receptionist: Right. Don’t want people being judgmental at the bar.

Airport Way
Seattle, Washington

Talking to You Is Like Drinking Maple Syrup

Hipster: Making out is my Viagra.

School of Management Office
University of Massachusetts

Either Way, I Want a Piece

Sales guy #1: What’s going on in the break room?
Sales guy #2: What? Why do you ask?
Sales guy #1: The door is closed.
Sales guy #2: Well, someone’s getting their butt chewed out or they’ve got cake in there! It’s one or the other!

England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina

H.P. Lovecraft’s Cafeteria of the Morbidly Obese Changed It -Quickly

Little girl: We’re going to the three floor.
Mom: The third floor.
Little girl: Third floor. Mommy, what’s on the third floor?
Mom: The cafeteria. I’m gonna see if they can get you a salad instead of the crap you eat.
[doors open, they get off and start walking away.]Little girl: I eat chocolate two times every day, and there’s nothing you can do to change that.

Avenue of the Americas
New York City, New York

Overheard by: Duncan

To Use a Completely Hypothetical Example.

Professor: So, you know how if you feed your sister-in-law’s kid a lot of sugar and caffeine, and he gets all crazy-like and runs around screaming? Well, that’s like exciting the molecule. And after a while, the excitement dies down, and he hits something. Like a wall. And if you’re lucky, he vomits. Fluorescence is the vomit of molecule excitation.

High Point University
High Point, North Carolina

Overheard by: This is what we’re teaching the leaders of tomorrow?

Tobacco Exec: Gentlemen, We Have to Address This Competition

Client: I never smoked a cigarette a day in my life!
Assistant: Well, you’re just a regular choirboy!
Client: Smoked a kilo of dope — didn’t see a need for cigarettes!

Real estate office
Texas

And I’m Definitely Hungover after That

Female peon to another: My roommate wants me to do laundry, but I don’t know when I can do it. I’m too hung over on Saturday morning, and I have Bible study Sunday morning.

Studio City, California

You’ll Also Note That I’ve Listed “Hallucinatory Forklifting” under “Special Skills”

Large, bearded interviewee: … And I have to tell you that I do smoke pot… But I used to do construction, and I was high the whole time I did that, and that’s a lot more dangerous than this.

Addison, Texas

Overheard by: curtis

She Drinks to Forget

Female student #1: I dunno — maybe I should give up drinking.
Female student #2: That’s never a good idea.
Female student #1: It’s just that I’m older, y’know? The drinking scene is so played…
Male student, joining them minutes later: So, what are you guys doing this weekend?
Female student #1: Getting fucking hammered.
Female student #2: What happened to giving up drinking?
Female student #1: Oh, please, that was so two minutes ago.

University Avenue
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia

Overheard by: the iPod was just a front

I’m Thinking That Will Taste More Like a Daiquiri

Ghetto customer: My daiquiri tastes like water.
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. What may I bring you instead?
Ghetto customer: Water.

Dulaney Valley Road
Baltimore, Maryland

Overheard by: shaking my head

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