Crimes

Would You Like Some Ethnic Slurs With That?

Angry suit on cell: Get me the money or I take your ass to court. I’ll take your ass to court.
Barista: Ummm… sir? Can I get you something to drink?
Angry suit on cell: Yes, I’d like a triple mocha. [To cell.] I mean it. I’ll sue your ass, you greedy, lying Italian bastard.
Barista: Sir, would you like whipped cream on your mocha?
Angry suit on cell: Like hell you’ll get me the money by June. You were supposed to give it to me back in September. [To barista.] Extra whipped cream, thanks.

W Washington St
Ann Arbor, Michigan

Get Out the Bear Mace, Sweetie

Passenger: My daughter is burning that DVD for you. I’ll drop it by when she’s done it.
Station worker: Thanks! You really don’t have to.
Another mother, to her toddler: Sound’s like someone’s breaching copyright!

Turramurra Station
Sydney
Australia

Overheard by: Andrew

After You Bring Me Back Some Onesies

Excited office lady #1: Hey Sandy! Huge baby clothing sale at Macy's today!
Excited office lady #2: Really?
Office guy, under his breath: Kill me.

Melville, New York

Overheard by: Super Mike

Rule of Thumb: Don’t Hire Anyone Who Has Ever Performed a Mortal Kombat Move in Real Life

Applicant, explaining multi-year gap in employment history: I got sent to jail for stabbing a guy twelve times, but it was bullshit.
Manager: Oh yeah?
Applicant: Yeah. I only stabbed him six times; I just had two knives in my hand. It was bullshit.
Manager: Hmm. I see.

Indianapolis, Indiana

Overheard by: Shatmandu

I Don’t Know Why They Don’t Just Send Those Folks to Find Bin Laden

Secretary #1, talking about the real-life Napa Valley Halloween murder case: The police used his DNA and the kind of cigarettes he smoked to catch the murderer.
Secretary #2: Just like on CSI!

School
Hamilton, Ohio

Overheard by: TV has the best ideas

How You Know You've Been at a Job Too Long

Male coworker: I can't find that file he was talking about anywhere.
Female coworker: I swear, if I have to keep listening to your screeching voice anymore, I'm going to start killing babies.

Los Angeles, California

…But Have Fun in Mexico, You Two!

Coworker: I need to leave while I can still be a character witness…

Middleboro, Massachusetts

Overheard by: Mikey

And If They Show Up Here, I Called in Sick, Okay?

Employee: Hey, Kathy!* I was so happy to see you come to work this morning!
Kathy: Yup, the police didn’t pick me up! Whew!

Swiss chalet near Highway 401
Whitby, Ontario

Overheard by: too naughty 4 tv

Seems No One Is Safe from the Quality-Control Spies

Customer: Do you have a copy machine?
CSR: Um, no… This is a book store.
Customer: Yeah, but I just want to copy this book.
CSR: We sell books.
Customer: But I don’t want to buy it, I just want to copy it.
CSR: Then maybe you should try a library. We sell books.
Customer: But I’m here now, and I want to copy this book.
CSR: Look, okay, buy the book take it down to Kinkos and copy it, then return it.
Customer: I think that’s illegal. I’d like to report you to your manager.

Book store
Pensacola, Florida

Overheard by: Michelle

Like Texans Still Do?

Boss on phone: Do you think when Jesus comes back he wants to see himself on the cross? It's like going up to Jackie O with a rifle on a chain and saying, “I'm remembering JFK!”

Atlanta, Georgia

Overheard by: Ren

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