There’s One–or Seven–in Every Office

There is this guy a few cubicles over from me. I do not know what he does, but he is always on the phone. I’ve actually started keeping a spreadsheet of some of the things I’ve overheard him say. Some of the best: You can ask yourself that question all day long, but I’m not going to waste any more of my time helping you figure it out.

You don’t have to think for me, I will do the thinking for you.

You work in IT and I work in marketing, so don’t tell me!

Give me your thirty second soapbox spiel and when you are done maybe we can get down to business and get this figured out.

1411 Kingsbury Drive
Portage, Michigan

Posted on January 31, 2022
Coworkers, General Idiocy, Michigan, Time Management

What Happens When You Don’t Train a New Manager

HR clerk: He got so excited and he crapped all over himself.
Receptionist, laughing: Did Jim [manager] do that again?
Hr clerk: Uh, no, I was talking about my new puppy.
Receptionist: Oh, forget what I just said. Please forget! I was supposed to forget.

Pearl, Mississippi

Overheard by: Brain Dancing

Posted on January 30, 2022
Accidents, Coworkers, Default, Employees, Gossip, Human Resources, Mississippi, Receptionists, Weirdness

Aren’t Shaved Cats Hypoallergenic?

Woman peon: David* always reminds me of Dr. Evil.
Man peon: Just because he is bald?
Woman peon: Well, his newborn son has no hair, either, and looks just like him. It’s just like Mini-Me. All he needs is a shaved cat.
Man peon: I never understood the shaved cat thing. What’s up with a shaved cat? Do you shave your cat?
Woman peon: No, I don’t have a cat. I have allergies.
Man peon: Really?

Landings Drive
Mountain View, California

Posted on January 30, 2022
Animals, California, Coworkers, Gossip

No, It’s ‘I Ripped Off My Nipples’

Employee #1: I waxed my chest last night, and I didn’t have any more tape so I tried using duct tape.
Employee #2, laughing uncontrollably: Wait, wait, wait! I thought the punch line was “I waxed my chest last night”?!

Lynchburg, Virginia

Overheard by: Mike Oxlong

Posted on January 28, 2022
Coworkers, General Idiocy, Health & Hygiene, Virginia

Mr. Petri Shouldn't Dish in the Office

Coworker to another: I can't wait to see your wife's baby making place.

Atlanta, Georgia

Posted on January 27, 2022
Coworkers, Family, Georgia, Wishes

2PM Call Tech Support

Co-worker #1: Did you hear about that audition?
Co-worker #2: No.
Co-worker #1: You didn’t get that email?
Co-worker #2: No. My email must be broken.
Co-worker #1: What else haven’t you gotten?
Co-worker #2: Well, if my email is broken, how could I possibly know that?

270 Lafayette Street
New York, NY

Posted on January 26, 2022
Arts, Coworkers, Gripes, New York, Questions, Technology

Whose Idea Were Tobacco Pacifiers, Anyway?

Products VP: Everyone who makes this crap is just as fucked as we are.
Finance VP: If only no one put this in their mouths…

Elmsford, New York

Overheard by: Bored Beyond Belief

Posted on January 20, 2022
Body Parts, Compare and contrast, Coworkers, Default, Executives, Financial Folk, New York, Offers and requests, Weirdness

Everyone Knows Encyclopedias Are Just Speculation!

Coworker #1, reading article: ‘Morphine is highly addictive…’
Coworker #2: Morphine is not addictive.
Coworker #1: But it says right here in this encyclopedia article–
Coworker #2: —Morphine is not addictive.
All other coworkers: It says right here!
Coworker #2: Morphine is not addictive! I know this for a fact!

Lunch break
Edmonton, Alberta
Canadia