CSM, on holiday preparations: My family makes me want to smuggle drugs in my ass.
Hailey, Idaho
CSM, on holiday preparations: My family makes me want to smuggle drugs in my ass.
Hailey, Idaho
IT guy on phone: Yeah, we had to let Sam* go this weekend. (pause) Yeah, the server's fixed. (pause) Uh, it's sort of weird. (pause) Yeah, well… He was on call rotation and got called in. He was high. (pause) He brought ten packs of pasta noodles with him, and jammed each noodle into the mail server intake fan. (pause) Something like that. He said the sound the noodles made against the Delta fans was the sound of the Microsoft demons being cast from the server. (pause) He managed to fill the server case with noodle shrapnel, which made the system overheat. (pause) How would I know if he successfully cast the demons from the server? (pause) No, it's still booting server 2008, if that's what you mean.
Winnipeg
Canadia
Assistant: Are you leaving early?
Attorney: Yep.
Assistant: Why? It’s only 3:30.
Attorney: ‘Cause I like to drink.
1900 Pearl Street
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Staja
Anchor writing newscast: I don’t care about the poisoned Russian. Just give me the bong!
CBS Broadcast Center
New York, New York
Radio: ‘So if your life has been touched by alcohol or substance abuse…’
Construction guy: That’s me!
125th Street and Lenox Avenue
New York, New York
Voice #1, on other side of the wall: You know, the one with the heroin thing and double-ended dildo!
(silence)
Voice #2: Are we still talking about movies?
Princeton, New Jersey
Overheard by: Amanda
Co-worker: That’s a great idea, get a robot to sell drugs so you don’t have to. That way, when the cops bust your robot, you don’t get in trouble, just your robot. Just think, there’s so many criminal activities you could automate, like robotic prostitutes. Until now I had thought our future was dark and grim, but how I’m seeing a bright light at the end of the tunnel.
115 Perimeter Center Place NE
Atlanta, Georgia
Teacher: When he came in to register his kids here, he tried to use his arrest report as his proof of address. “Possession with intent to sell,” it said. I told him, “You can’t use that as your proof of address; you need a BGE or a water bill.”
2000 Cecil Avenue
Baltimore, Maryland
Suit: It was 6 hours of nonstop powerdrinking. My wife was at a Christmas party and asked me to pick her up, and I said, “Even I would not get behind the wheel now!”
350 Madison Ave.
New York, NY
Middle-aged female boss: So I huffed a giant diaper this morning. Am I hip?
Lexington, Massachusetts
