Patient who just failed drug test: I need a note to stay out of work.
Doctor: What do you want me to say? That you're too stoned from taking too many Vicodin to be productive?
Patient: Sure, but would you mind wording it better?
Orlando, Florida
Overheard by: Amazed Nurse
Handyman: Can you see the pipe?
Owner of record store, with head in ceiling: Yeah, I think it's rusted though.
Handyman, under breath: Your mom's pipes are rusted through.
Newark, Delaware
Accounts Payable: I wish sometimes I was tippin’ it at my desk.
Accounts Receivable: Tippin’ what?
Accounts Payable: You know, the bottle.
Accounts Payable: Yeah, but you gotta be a good alcoholic, and at least show up for work every day. That’s what I do.
2000 Plainfield Pike
Cranston, Rhode Island
Boss lady: How was your weekend?
Top employee: Well, I spent Sunday morning in the hospital because…
Boss lady, interrupting: Was it because you're a cracked-out whore?
Forest Grove, Oregon
Overheard by: Jessi-ca
Woman #1: I haven’t been feeling well at all lately.
Woman #2: You know what’s really good? Aleve.
Woman #1: What?!
Woman #2: Aleve.
Woman #1: Oh, I thought you said, ‘weed’!
200 Varick Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Eve’s droppings
Cube rat #1: Oh! (inhales deeply) I love that smell! Do you smell it?
Cube rat #2: No. What smell?
Cube rat #1: Skunk! I love the smell of skunk!
Cube rat #2: It is the middle of winter…there aren't any skunks this time of year.
Cube rat #1: You know, you're right. Hmmmm, I wonder…
Cube rat #2: I just farted.
Cube rat #1: Are you kidding me? You mean I have been standing here enjoying your fart?
Cube rat #2: Um… (pause) Yeah, guess so!
Fairbanks, Alaska
Woman #1: What are you doing for New Year's?
Woman #2: I don't have any plans yet, what about you?
Woman #1: Probably just sit at home and drink some wine.
Woman #2: Yeah, I did that last year, and I accidentally got completely bombed in front of my son, so I'm not doing that again.
Manhattan, New York
Director to underling: So you're trying to tell me that you work in this industry and you don't have an alcohol or substance-abuse problem!?
Broadway
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Garrett
Technician: Enter the password the Linksys tech gave you.
Customer: He told me to enter whatever I wanted for the password.
Technician: You don't just make up your own passwords. I don't know what that tech was smoking!
Kingston
Canadia
Office worker: I ran 16 miles last night.
Rep: You ran 16 miles… I ran for 12 minutes. Does that count?
Office worker: I am training for a marathon. I came home at 10 pm last night and my knees were all bloody.
Rep: Oh, did you fall?
Office worker: Yeah, twice.
Rep: And you kept on running?
Office worker: Yeah.
Rep: The only thing coming out of my veins is booze!
Buffalo, New York
