They’re Finally Gonna Cork That Pesky Volcano

Co-worker: Would you like a donut?
Enormous woman: No, thank you.
Co-worker: Why not? Are you on a diet or something?
Enormous woman: Actually, yes, I am on a diet. I am going on vacation to Hawaii at the end of the month and I have only six more pounds to lose until I reach my goal! I want to take a helicopter ride over Kilauea, but the helicopter company charges $100 more if you weigh more than 200 pounds. Hope they don’t weigh me on the spot since I am not sure I will be less than 200 pounds unless it’s in the morning, after I’ve had a pee, and I’m nude…Does anyone have any topics they’d like to add to the agenda for today?
Manager: Um…yeah, I do, but give me a minute.

560 McCarthy Boulevard
Milpitas, California

Overheard by: CW Slave

Posted on July 15, 2014
California, Comebacks, Coworkers, Diet & Weight, General Idiocy, Geography & History, Money, Outbursts

I Think That’s Some Kind of Wallaby

Guy #1: So my dad was going to complain that they didn’t give him his grievance pay.
Guy #2: What’s grievance pay?
Guy #1: Well, you know when a member of your family dies? You get
grievance pay so that you can have the day of the funeral off and the day after. My dad’s pissed ‘cos they won’t give him his grievance pay.
Guy #2: Why won’t they pay him?
Guy #1: Because they said his nana’s not part of his intermediate
family.

153 Campbell Street
Bowen Hills, Queensland
Australia

Overheard by: Murad

Posted on July 11, 2014
Coworkers, Death, General Idiocy, Gripes, Money

Don’t Piss Off Jesus. Just Don’t Do It.

Customer: Well, maybe I could find something at a lower price that needs fixed up. I do a lot of remodeling work.
Real-estate agent: Sir, if you’re a carpenter you won’t be able to afford anything in this area.
Customer: I’m a contractor and I have more money than I know what to do with. If I say I’m going to climb into your ass and renovate, that’s what I’m going to do.

109 Lafayette Street
New York, NY

Overheard by: Dirtpatch

Posted on July 11, 2014
Comebacks, Consultants, General Idiocy, Insults, Money, New York, Offers and requests, Smart customers

Look, Non-English Speakers Are Taking Our Jobs!

Co-worker: And I am not exaggerating, but my dog literally chewed my brush up into 75 million pieces.

6600 Campus Circle Drive E
Irving, Texas

Woman #1: So I went to Filene’s Basement last night, and I was–literally–raped, I spent so much money, got a bunch of stuff.
Woman #2: Ooh, what did you get?

24 North Street
Pittsfield, Massachusetts

Posted on July 10, 2014
Animals, Coworkers, Crimes, General Idiocy, Gripes, Massachusetts, Money, Physical Appearance, Texas, Words

To Coin a Phrase

Maintenance worker: I'd rather owe a dead man 30 dollars.

Chapel Hill, North Carolina

Posted on August 23, 2011
Death, Employees, Money, North Carolina, Philosophy

…And You're Totally Ruining My Buzz.

Claims adjuster: Sir, insurance companies just don't work like that. (pause) We can't let the body shop do whatever they want. They have to follow an estimate. (pause) Sir. (pause) Well, didn't you just say the shop was full of liars and druggies? (pause) Sir, I'm trying to help you get your car fixed, but you keep calling us druggies and saying that god is going to smite us.

Brentwood, Tennessee

Overheard by: I shouldn't have skipped church yesterday