Insults

Nobody Who Says ‘Languish’ Would Ever Get Promoted in the US

Boss: So, I have a problem with giving you the job, even though I know you can do it.
Worker: What’s the issue?
Boss: You seem to be annoyed with us, and you’re not upbeat enough after what happened.
Worker: What happened is that I lived the values, delivered on everything, then the organization totally screwed me over, gave my job to someone else, and left me to languish for a year with no certainty about my future. Now you’re saying you can’t give me another job because you’ve been such dickheads?
Boss: I know it sounds bad.

388 George Street
Sydney, Australia

Isn’t That a Felony in Most States?

Boss: Wait, I have a question: they’re fucking retarded!
Underling: That’s actually not a question…
Boss: Whatever, they’re still fucking retards.

13546 Rockland Road
Lake Bluff, Illinois

Overheard by: Victa G

It Just Has to Make Money; It Doesn’t Have to Make Sense

Woman: Isn’t this the most fucking idiotic thing you’ve ever had to do in your life?
Senior VP: No, actually, which is really embarrassing.

120 West 106th Street
New York, New York

Overheard by: George Feeney

This Conversation Has Gone Balls-Up

British employee: Well, this was supposed to be completed by now. It looks like it’s gone all cock-up.
American #1: What?
British employee: I’m sorry, do you not have that phrase here?
American #2: In America, you can’t say cock like that. I shouldn’t hear you say cock.
American #1: We say fuck. Fucked up.
British employee: Ok, how’s this: Fuck off.

1 Corporate Drive
Orangeburg, New York

Why IT Dude Is Regularly Beaten Up

Deputy: There was a wreck this weekend where a guy hit a tree at 60 miles per hour. Ripped off the right side of his head. You could actually see inside his skull. We never could find his brain, though.
Project manager: Did it kill him?
IT dude: Nope, he is walking around, managing projects.

US Highway 69/75
Oklahoma

Overheard by: Firewall

I’m So Glad I Still Live With My Mother

Receptionist: I thought she was going to tell me I was fat…but, no, she just wanted to tell me that I smell bad.

Andover Park West
Tukwila, Washington

Less Than 35 Cats Isn’t Pathetic At All

Co-Worker: She sounds like she has a lot of cats. Like 40. She probably lives with these forty cats and has a pathetic life. Just listen to that voice.

5th Avenue
New York, New York

Overheard by: Nicole J.

The Riddle of the Sphincter

Walking man: Hey, John.
Sitting man: Sphincter says what?
Walking man: What?
Sitting man: Sphincter says what?
Walking man: What are you, five? This is a professional office.
Sitting man: You fell for it.

Russell Senate Office Building
Washington, DC

Overheard by: Dennis Carroll

Wait, I Thought Jessica Died Last Week

Co-worker #1: That’s what I love about Jessica*; she’s always so quiet. Never complains about anything.
Co-worker #2: Yeah, and if you had a lobotomy you’d do the same thing.

25 Winthrop Street
Worcester, Massachusetts

4PM Internal Memo

Coworker: Not only am I an asshole here, I’m an asshole at home, too!

1200 Sovereign Row
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma

Overheard by: shaun

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