Announcer on PA system: Dr. Stewart*, please call 5-5-2-0; Dr. Stewart, 5-5-2-0.
Dr. Stewart, over the PA system a few minutes later: Whomever needed Dr. Stewart, I don’t know who you are and I didn’t hear that number, so call me at– [pause]. Oh, shit, I don’t know what number this is. Wait… Okay, so just page me again with that number… [Pause] You mean everyone can hear me? Fuck.
Arizona
Overheard by: Seriously glad I’m not his patient
Manager: I purposefully wore pants with strategically large pockets for the cowbell, but it still got stuck.
72 Marietta Street
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: deep pockets
Female coworker: I pulled my butt muscle taking a whiz!
150 Batson Drive
Manchester, Connecticut
Manager: We are not going to use anyone as an escaped goat.
Columbia Mall
Grand Forks, North Dakota
Dad’s friend: So, your daughter turns 34 tomorrow?
Dad: Yeah, I sent her a card.
Dad’s friend: What does it say?
Dad: ‘Happy Birthday, Sweetie. You’ve finally grown into your bra size.’
Prudential Plaza
Chicago, Illinois
Waitress to customers: We take vodka and add fresh-squeezed lemon juice… from lemons.
Pamplico Highway
Florence, South Carolina
Overheard by: I Prefer Limes
College boy #1: She’s engaged now.
College boy #2: What?!
College boy #1: Yeah, she just got engaged, like, a week ago.
College boy #2: That’s gay.
12th & Q Street
Lincoln, Nebraska
Overheard by: Confused
Male geology TA: So yeah, I had this student in lab today who asked me, ‘So, are these minerals… are these, like, things that can be found, like, out there…? Like, in the real world?’
Female grad student: What? Really?
Male geology TA: Yeah, it just blew his mind that this stuff actually existed in the real world.
Geoscience department, University of Iowa
Iowa City, Iowa
Overheard by: another grad student
Suit: If we wanna make fun of freakin’ roosters, guess what?! We’re gonna make fun of freakin’ roosters.
3565 Atlanta Highway
Athens, Georgia
Bearded man in green pixie wig, pink feather boa, and fairy wings: I think about death every day.
577 Western Avenue
Westfield, Massachusetts
Overheard by: it’s halloween
