Dude, Go for the Implants

Income auditor guy: I want to buy my fiance a gift like make-up.
Income auditor gal: Cool, how much you set for it?
Income auditor guy: 30 Egyptian pounds.
Income auditor gal: You could buy a blusher with 30 EGP.
Income auditor guy: Well then, how about cheap make-up?
Income auditor gal: You can’t buy anything with 30 EGP.
Income auditor guy: Well how much do you think I need?
Income auditor gal: About 500 EGP to buy her one of those cute boxes that’s full of make-up and perfumes.
Income auditor guy: With 500 EGP, I could send her to a plastic surgeon and get change.

Translated from the Arabic.

Le Meridien Makadi Bay Hotel
South Hurghada, Egypt

Posted on June 2, 2016
Advice, Compliments, Financial Folk, Health & Hygiene, Middle East, Money, Physical Appearance

A Lesser-Known Corollary Of the Patriot Act

iPod chick #1: I told Lauren* to look hot today, we’ll see…
iPod chick #2: I know, it’s so hard for her. She can only look hot like once a month.

Waltham, Massachusetts

Overheard by: Joe

Posted on May 9, 2016
Advice, Coworkers, Default, Friends, Insults, Massachusetts, Physical Appearance, Places, Sexuality

Sounds Like a Motivational Poster

Woman #1: I feel bad he’s stuck talking to her. I feel like I should rescue him.
Woman #2: Oh, they deserve each other; they’re both full of shit.
Woman #1: But his is a different kind of shit.
Woman #2: Yeah; his is bull, hers is horse.

175 S. Third Street
Columbus, Ohio

Posted on April 16, 2016
Advice, Coworkers, Gripes, Ohio, Relationships

So “Demented Old Crab” Is Your Diagnosis?

Social worker on phone: No! Stay away from that negative force. She is a demented old crab! Okay, I love you, too. Drive safe. And remember — no crabs. And pick up some Vonnegut now that he’s dead.

260 South Broad Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: lora

Posted on April 1, 2016
Advice, On the phone, Pennsylvania

11AM Employee Orientation

Employee #1: Have you seen the new girl?
Employee #2: No, but Fat Matt in cube 3 was just asking for some ketchup, so you better hurry!

6666 Santa Monica Boulevard
Los Angeles, California

Posted on March 18, 2016
Advice, California, Diet & Weight, Employees, Gossip

3PM Smoke Break

Accounts Payable: I wish sometimes I was tippin’ it at my desk.
Accounts Receivable: Tippin’ what?
Accounts Payable: You know, the bottle.
Accounts Payable: Yeah, but you gotta be a good alcoholic, and at least show up for work every day. That’s what I do.

2000 Plainfield Pike
Cranston, Rhode Island

Posted on March 12, 2016
Advice, Financial Folk, Rhode Island, Substance Use & Abuse, Wishes

12PM Conference Call

Co-worker #1: Do you know how to do a three-way?
Co-worker #2: Huh?
Co-worker #1: Yeah, [Mario] wants me to do a three-way with him and [Tod] to discuss the proposal.
Co-worker #2: You mean a three-way call, then.
Co-worker #1: Yeah.
Co-worker #2: Oh, well, no I don’t, but I’m sure [Sarah] can show you.

W134 N8675 Executive Parkway
Menomonee Falls, Wisconsin

Overheard by: Dude