Gripes

He’s Practicing His Lines for His Book Club Discussion

Man in armchair, to no one: You’re always fuckin’ starting with me. Every morning! [Long pause] And then you start in on the gay thing. I’m not talking to you! You started it, and then you tell me to shut up. You shut up! Always, you start it then tell me to shut up. [Long pause] And you try to tell me I’m sick… Read a goddamn newspaper! There’s child porn, and Anna Nicole Smith is dead and they’re fighting over her baby, and you tell me I’m sick?!

Book store
Greece, New York

Overheard by: confused reader

He’d Better Bring His “A” Game or a Friend

Film crew girl #1: So, it was really awful, then?
Film crew girl #2: Oh my god, it was worse. He gave me the worst sex ever. I mean, the least you can do when you’ve made me pay for dinner and the cinema and drinks and stayed at my house all weekend is give me a right good seeing to.
Film crew girl #1: Seeing him again?
Film crew girl #2: Tomorrow night.

Brick Lane
London
England

Overheard by: Nics

11AM Staff Meeting (Con’td)

Boss: What you are talking about only adds up to 10% of snake shit
compared to the problems we have.
Meeting: …

2000 West NASA Boulevard
Melbourne, Florida

Without Him, I Don’t Want a Liver

Cashier #1: So, how are you?
Cashier #2: Oh, you know — I’m still really upset about–
Cashier #1: –About that whole David* thing?
Cashier #2: Yeah, I’m still really upset about us breaking up.
Cashier #1: Oh… Yeah…
Cashier #2: But he called last night and said he’ll think about getting back together.
Cashier #1: Oh, well… that’s good, isn’t it?
Cashier #2: So then I drank a whole bottle of bourbon by myself in two hours.

Perth
Australia

I Still Have Trouble Believing in Star Jones!

Disenchanted woman: One of my colleagues just began a sentence with “Star Jones says.” I can’t fucking believe I work here.

Oxnard Street
Los Angeles, California

Overheard by: Brokeass Harem

And All Its Dancing Queens

Office grunt: Why the fuck does Stan* have to listen to ABBA all day? God, I hate Sweden.

Hillsboro, Texas

Overheard by: Purchasing Slave

Over Six Million Sold

Copywriter: How about ‘Widget* is your final solution for packaging needs’?
Copyeditor: I think we should use any other description.
Copywriter: Why? Does it not make sense?
Copyeditor: Only if you’re not talking about the Holocaust.

4th and Congress
Austin, Texas

When Yuppies Claim Workman’s Comp

Manager, preparing staff party: Oh my God, look! I cut so much cheese I got a blister!

City Centre Building
Ottawa, Ontario, Canada

Overheard by: evil twin

4PM Release Due

QA: That enhancement doesn’t work, you need to fix it.
Dev: I guess it won’t be in the patch, then.
QA: I didn’t spend all that time testing and documenting it, we need to release it.
Dev: I’m not going to fix it now.
QA: You just said it was going to be in the patch, now you are saying it’s not going to be fixed in this patch but it is in the patch.
Dev: Your Jedi mind tricks will not work on me.

16388 Westwoods Business Park
Ellisville, Missouri

Overheard by: Marc Brooks

Guy’s a Total Psycho. I Broke up With Him Months Ago, But He Won’t Stop Calling.

Intern, answering phone: Good afternoon, Science Committee…Mike*, Buzz Aldrin is on the line.
Mike*, rolling his eyes: Oh shit.

Rayburn House Office Building
Washington, DC

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