Gripes

Female staffer #1: You know what David* said to me? He said, “In case you know anyone who’s having a vasectomy, I have some advice for you to give them.” And then he told me about how they gave him a jock strap to wear after his surgery to keep everything in place, but that the one they gave him was too small. And I said, “David! I don’t want to hear any more!” But he kept talking about how uncomfortable it was to wear a jock strap that was too small for him after having his vasectomy. I was afraid he was going to start describing exactly how his balls were getting squeezed.
Female staffer #2: See, that’s a perfect example of how David is always so passive. If he weren’t so passive, he’d just say, “I want everyone to know I’m hung like a horse.”

10 Medical Center Boulevard
Winston-Salem, North Carolina

Coworker: When you were younger, growing up in Mexico, you hated America because they had everything. You guys had everything. Then you grew up and you realized “the Joneses” were living right next to you and your parents were just poor.

312 Plum Street
Cincinnati, Ohio

Worker #1: The pollen is so bad, this morning I coughed up a flower.
Worker #2: Oh my god, are you serious?
Worker #1: Uh…no.

6355 MetroWest Boulevard
Orlando, Florida

Contractor: …so we should definitely take a good look at him. I
don’t want to snowball with more mess.
Specialist: …Um…Yeah.

12443 Olive Boulevard
St. Louis, Missouri

Office drone: Why is everyone staring at me?
Office chick: You're fun to look at.

Mesquite, Nevada

Defense attorney: Objection, Your Honor. The prosecution continues to assert this witness is an expert but has offered no evidence to support the claim.
Judge: Sustained. Mr. Martin*, is this witness your expert?
Prosecutor: Yes, Your Honor.
Judge: Would you care to establish for the court why the witness is an expert in the field of pediatrics?
Prosecutor: Cause he…ummm…knows stuff?

State Court
Austin, Texas

Overheard by: Xen

Loud cube drone: It happened again!
Friend: What?
Loud cube drone: I couldn't sleep!
Friend: Oh no, what did you do?
Loud cube drone: Well, I didn't do anything this time. Usually I would just take one of those sleeping pills, like Zoloft, the ones I usually take…

Washington, DC

Job applicant #1: No job is worth having to give someone my pee in a plastic cup!
Job applicant #2: Uh-oh, you’re refusing the drug test?
Job applicant #1: Oh, it’s just a drug test? I thought that manager guy was just some sort of pee-pee pervert.

5760 Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi

Overheard by: Brain Dancing

Stranger at urinal, before storming out of the bathroom: They don’t play enough Cher, that’s what blows!

Melville, New York

Short woman whispering to self, as tall man holds door for her: Shit. Unbelievable. [Tall man stares at her.]Tall man, to another woman: You know, she did this to me once before. I had to ride the elevator with her muttering to herself about me until another elevator opened across the hall and she ran away into it. [Continues staring at short woman until elevator stops.]Short woman, yelling as exits the elevator: Maybe it’s because you smell!
Other woman: Well, aren’t you a charming thing. [Doors shut.]

330 7th Avenue
New York, New York

Overheard by: Dirty Librarian