Professor: So, you know how if you feed your sister-in-law’s kid a lot of sugar and caffeine, and he gets all crazy-like and runs around screaming? Well, that’s like exciting the molecule. And after a while, the excitement dies down, and he hits something. Like a wall. And if you’re lucky, he vomits. Fluorescence is the vomit of molecule excitation.
High Point University
High Point, North Carolina
Overheard by: This is what we’re teaching the leaders of tomorrow?
Nurse, screening for life insurance: So tell me about your siblings…
Male worker: Well, I have 3 sisters, two older and one who’s a twin. I’m the youngest by two minutes.
Nurse: Oh, really? You have a twin sister? Are you identical?
Male worker: Are you serious? You’re a professional nurse and you’re asking me if I’m identical to my twin sister? Is this screening over because I’ve got work to do.
Tacoma, Washington
Overheard by: Stan Green
Developer, talking about boss: Yeah, and I was giving him crap because he wouldn’t come out with us because his wife’s gay… I mean pregnant!
State & Water
Peoria, Illinois
Overheard by: only girl in an office of men…
Younger peon: Remember those Richard Scarry books with the animals all dressed up in–
Older peon: I haven’t read kids’ books since the second grade. Seriously.
Younger peon: What, your kids never read children’s books? What kind of parent are you?!
150 Federal Street
Boston, Massachusetts
Manager #1: These mood swings are driving me crazy. Everyone in my house is afraid of me. They are all walking on eggshells.
Manager #2: Menopause rocks.
365 West Passaic Street
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
Overheard by: cubicle right outside
Coworker #1, drinking with group: I’ve got two kids, a daughter and a son.
Coworker #2: Oh, yeah? I didn’t know that. Does Betty* have any kids?
Coworker #3: No. Glen* has kids, though.
Coworker #1: Who?
Coworker #3: You know, Glen — over there at the table across the room. He has two daughters. They came to the office a couple times. One’s about 12, and the other’s 15 or something like that.
Top executive: Yeah, and they’re pretty hot, too! [All three coworkers silent.] Uhhh… Healthy, I mean. Good kids.
Spirit of Seattle Argosy Cruise Ferry, Lake Union
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Why Can’t I Be Deaf?
Nurse: We need you to be here for the duration of your brother’s procedure. He should be done in 15 minutes or so.
20-something mechanic: Do I need to be here? [Points at floor.] Or here? [Points at room.] Because that is one flashlight I don’t wanna hold!
Proctologist’s office
Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: but he’s taken a shine to you!
Web developer: That doesn’t count.
Web designer: Neither can your mum.
Web developer: Yeah — I guess it really hampered her 25-year career as a bookkeeper.
Web designer: What sort of books did she keep?
104-108 Dover Street
Richmond Victoria
Australia
IT guy #1: Yeah, it’s my grandmother’s one hundredth birthday next March.
IT guy #2: Wow, really?
IT guy #1: Yup. I’m going to send her a strip-o-gram.
7th street and 7th Avenue
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
