Actually, I'm Fairly Certain He's Been Urinating on It

Female coworker #1: Ohmigod, my plant's dead…
Female coworker #2: I can't believe you whined and complained for months about how you didn't get a “new hire plant” like everyone else, and when you get one… a week later it's dead because you don't water it.
Female coworker #3: I heard all these plants are responsibility tests. If you kill the plant, you're gone.
Boss over intercom to coworker #1: Report to my office immediately.
Female coworker #2: He knows about the plant.
Female coworker #1: Fuck.

McKinney, Texas

Posted on December 15, 2009
Bosses, Coworkers, Death, Gripes, Insults, Office Politics, Texas

Would That Be a Tossed Salad?

Flamboyant marketing director: In my opinion, prostitutes are great because they help my liver. Let me explain–it cuts the process in half. I don't have to waste my money buying drinks for guys at the bar that still might not sleep with me. So… in the end, my liver is healthier because of prostitutes.
Old lady assistant: Prosciutto is good for the liver? I'll put it in a salad!

Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: Lowly Intern

Posted on December 15, 2009
Admins, Bosses, Compare and contrast, Drinking, General Idiocy, Health & Hygiene, Illinois, Meals and Snacks, Money, Sexuality, Words

Oh, Leave Carol from Accounting Alone.

Boss, about to hang up on someone calling into the meeting: Is there anything else?
Colleague: No, I think I'm done.
Boss: Good, 'cause I got my finger on the button over here. I feel like the little boy with his finger in the dike.

Washington, DC

Posted on December 14, 2009
Body Parts, Bosses, Compare and contrast, General Idiocy, Meetings, On the phone, Questions, Washington DC

Sigh. Boys.

Director: How you doing?
Sales rep #1: I'm good… but I've had a migraine all week.
Director: That sucks, doing anything this weekend?
Sales rep #1: Nah, I haven't done anything all week. I saw District 9 last night, though.
Director: Did you like it? I've heard mixed reviews.
Sales rep #1: I liked the social commentary. Plus, shit blows up. It can be the worst movie ever, but if shit blows up, I'm gonna watch it.
Director: Oh, hell yeah! You gotta watch it if shit blows up. That's like Terminator. You watch it cause shit blows up.
Sales rep #1: Yeah, or every Rambo movie.
Sales rep #2: How can you watch Rambo movies?
Director and sales rep #1: Shit blows up!

Charlotte, North Carolina

Posted on December 14, 2009
Bosses, Cinema, Compare and contrast, Health & Hygiene, North Carolina, Questions, Sales, Weirdness

Your Editors Prefer “Under Pressure”

Office manager during staff meeting: Children should wash their hands for as long as it takes them to sing the ABCs. For adults, it's Bohemian Rhapsody.

Miami, Florida

Overheard by: Lady L

Posted on December 14, 2009
Advice, Bosses, Compare and contrast, Florida, Health & Hygiene, Music, Time Management

Career Tip: Take Good Care Of Yourself; the Company Won't.

Employee: My hand is starting to tingle. It might be carpal tunnel.
Boss: Stop being a little bitch.

Financial Firm
Manhattan, New York

Overheard by: Michael

Posted on November 25, 2009
Body Parts, Bosses, Comebacks, Employees, Health & Hygiene, Insults, New York

The Terminator Gets This All the Time

Tenant to office building manager: Do you have anything that is big, hard, and metal?

Ottawa
Canadia

Posted on November 24, 2009
Body Parts, Bosses, Canadia, Offers and requests, Sexuality

…But Either Way, I'd Lose the Braces

Office manager, on decrease of patient numbers: Well, doc, I know you're going down on your patients but… wait, that wasn't the right way to say that.

Houston, Texas

Overheard by: Jill